Hi everyone! Welcome back to the deadliest — I mean happiest — place on Earth! My name is David and I will be your tour guide today. We are so glad to see each and every one of you back in our parks, risking your lives so you can eat…
I’m the Elephant in the Room and I Will Not Rest Until You Acknowledge Me
You’re having dinner with your sister who owes you 500 dollars. She walks in the restaurant and you check your watch. She’s 20 minutes late. A kiss on the cheek and a quick hug and the greetings are over. You begin to feel my presence. Four hooves, two floppy ears…
Aliens Discover PornHub, Abandon Mission to Earth
(An alien couple cruises toward Earth. The husband looks out the window wistfully while the wife browses her computer.) ALIEN WIFE: I’m so excited to meet the Earthlings! I bet they are a nice, wholesome species. ALIEN HUSBAND: Me too, Goopy. I just hope they accept our humble offering of…
If Other Classes Were Taught the Way My Christian High School Taught Sex-ed
Chemistry Alright kids, the safest way to prevent chemicals from burning your eyes is to simply not do any lab experiments, ever. What if you wear protective goggles? Are you out of your mind? Here’s a graphic slideshow of eyelids covered in boils from people who thought it would be…
I’m Michael Myers and I’m Thrilled About This New Mask Trend
When I first heard of the Coronavirus I thought, oh great, another mass killer trying to upstage me. And what a dumb villain name. Really? You’re going to name yourself after a cheap, frothy beer? Luckily for me, my parents chose a name that is already bone-chilling: Michael Audrey Myers. …
I’m Your Webcam and I’m so F***ing Sick of Your Face
Time for another Zoom work call? Another virtual happy hour with “the girls”? You make me sick.
List: How Notre Dame burning affects me, a wealthy American who visited Paris once
Bonjour! I went on a three week European excursion in 2010 and I am now DEVASTATED by the news of Notre Dame burning. Here are all the reasons I haven’t left my mansion out of grief since seeing the fire: 1.My childhood crush was on Quasimodo. I mean Hunchback…
Elizabeth Warren Changes Name to “E. Warren” in Hopes No One Will Notice She’s Female
Following in the footsteps of J.K. Rowling, Elizabeth Warren has legally changed her name to E. Warren in order to appeal to a wider audience. Since making the switch to a more neutral name, E. Warren has surged in the polls. Within days of the switch, newcomer E. Warren is…
“Love Actually” Spin-Off Movies About Other Christmas Emotions
Loathe Actually: Called “the most realistic film of 2018,” Loathe, Actually follows 5 different Midwestern Americans as they find themselves snowed in at their in-laws house days after Christmas is over. Tensions are high. Father-in-laws are snoring. Mother-in-laws are asking prying questions. Mild distaste turns into full-fledged loathing, Drunk Actually:…
Mariah Carey is Sick of “You” and Wants Actual Presents This Year
Mariah Carey, the pop singer behind the Christmas anthem, “All I Want For Christmas is You” finally admits she wants much, much more this year. She hasn’t received a single Christmas gift since the song came out in1994. Since Thanksgiving, the singer has been wracking her brain trying to think…