There’s a lot of talk about postponing the rollout of 5G near airports “due to safety concerns.” As I’m here pacing the airport barefoot waiting for my flight, the only CONCERN I have is I that won’t be able to access the fastest internet possible.
When I’m sitting uncomfortably close to someone at my gate nursing a kombucha do you think I want to slowly peruse the web? No! I want to be streaming Netflix, beating my high score in Candy Crush, Slacking my boss, working on a novel in Google Docs, AND attending a Zoom meeting at full volume, with no headphones.
So what if “multiple modern safety systems on aircrafts will be deemed unusable” with 5G? My Android is essentially unusable with this crappy, loser 4G. Airplanes came out in like, the 1800’s. I feel like they’re pretty durable by now. I highly doubt they’re going to be taken down by some invisible ghost waves in the air.
Nothing makes me more enraged about this than thinking of my sweet 5-year-old girl whom I keep on a leash at all times. Now little Blanche won’t have buffer-free access to the latest Peppa Pig episodes. What am I supposed to tell her when she cries uncontrollably? America hates progress?
No one seems to be a stronger opponent to 5G than United States Secretary of Transportation, Pete Buttigieg. Just because Pete doesn’t want to talk to Chasten on super-speedy 5G Facetime doesn’t mean all of our relationships have to suffer the pitfalls of 4G communication.
I want 5G to be everywhere with me in the airport. I want it snuggled up in my pocket when I forget to take my phone out while going through security every single time. I want it in the cracks of the bathroom tiles as I listen to Youtube videos out loud on the toilet. I want it coursing through the airport Chili’s while I look up the number of calories in an Awesome Blossom.
The airlines are just being selfish, as usual. This is almost as self-centered as when they named an entire mode after an airplane, which they demand we turn on, for no reason. Of course, I never have, out of principle.
Give me 5G Wordle or give me D-E-A-T-H! Oh, I just solved the Worldle of the day! And it’s time for my flight on Spirit Airlines, who thankfully never put safety ahead of convenience.
