We are begging you to stop spreading the lie that “men are from Mars and women are from Venus.” We’ve seen your Earth men and we couldn’t be more horrified to have them associated with our planet’s brand. It’s honestly a PR nightmare and we have to put a stop to it.
We started looking at the men who hold the top offices in your world. This freakshow made us immediately want to gouge our eyes out. Donald Trump? Boris Johnson? Kim Jong-un? From MARS? Are you kidding me? We understand why you would want to pawn them off on us, but no thank you.
Rumors that Earth men come from Mars have spread throughout the galaxy and have caused tourism to our planet to screech to a halt. The Mars chamber of commerce has tried everything to revive our image, but the optics of being the origin site of Earth men is nearly impossible to overcome.
The phrase is so well known that people don’t believe us when we say it’s not true. Intergalactic reporters keep calling asking if we “take responsibility for how awful Earth men turned out.” We do not!
We’ll claim your tarantulas, your naked mole rats, your flying cockroaches, your dung beetles, your murder hornets. You can say leukemia came from Mars. Just don’t associate us with human men, please.
There are plenty of other planets you can blame men on! Jupiter is big and full of himself. Why not him? Neptune is just a ball of hot air– seems like a great choice! Pluto has a Napoleon complex and was canceled like half the men on Earth, start saying those disgusting creatures came from there!
Martians are good, honest extraterrestrial beings. Male Martians never leave the toilet seat up. They never “ghost” a lady Martian. The only cat calling we have here is when we tell our Callicos it’s time for dinner. Every single male Martian looks like an Adonis but has no ego. Men from Earth could never.
Saying “men are from Mars” is slander and if it doesn’t stop we will have to file a cease and desist letter. We’re sorry you’re having an identity crisis. We’re sorry you don’t know where your men came from. But to paraphrase Semisonic’s smash hit “Closing Time”, You don’t have to go home but you can’t say your men came from here.
