Psst… It’s me, Michelangelo’s David. Or as I like to be called, “David,” because I am my own person and owned by no man. I heard you all have been tearing down statues left and right and I’m just wondering… where can I sign up? I’m located in the Galleria dell’Accademia in Florence, Italy. I’m 17 feet tall and you learned about my dick in history class.
Why do I want to be torn down? That’s simple. Since 1504 people have done nothing but whisper about my penis. Seriously, crowds from all over the world come in throngs to weigh in on my shaft. It’s dehumanizing and I have had enough. Six-year-old boys say to their fathers, “look daddy, his pee-pee looks like mine.” Grown women joke about me “still being bigger” than their ex-husbands. Buddhist monks sworn to silence see my cock and giggle.
I used to be a hero amongst men. You all do remember that I’m THE David from David and Goliath right? I took down a giant with only a slingshot yet all you can talk about is my tiny shlong. Michelangelo just had to depict me right before I battled a literal giant several times my size. I was nervous! It was drafty that day! I’m sorry I didn’t have a raging erection before fighting Goliath. I was a little more focused on saving the Philistines.
You’re all a bunch of voyeurs. I’m more than a piece of marble. I’m really quite a shy guy. I would never send an unsolicited dick pic. I hate living in a world where every man, woman, and child has casually seen a photo of my member. When people come to visit me in the Accademia I just want to scream, “my eyes are up here!,” but alas, I can not speak.
Of course, I’m aware I’m a bit on the smaller side. I have been told this by literally millions of people through my five grueling centuries of life. For once I wish someone would point out my manly forearm veins, or head full of thick, voluminous hair. Do you know what an accomplishment it is to be 500 years old without a receding hairline?
I totally support you tearing down statues of slave owners. I stood up to bullies myself (again, I’m the guy who slayed Goliath!!!). All I’m asking is for you to bring that energy to Florence and put me out of my misery once and for all. It is time for me to be dismembered. Literally. Set my body and that cursed flaccid penis on fire and then go eat some spaghetti.
