Here at Serene, the nation’s number one mediation app, we care about your peace of mind. That’s why we want to make sure you know about our new in-app feature, Tranquil: a tranquilizer dart service that will render your body unconscious for an undetermined amount of time.
When you purchase tranquil for just $39.99 a month, you are unlocking a new world of serenity. All you have to do is push a button and one of our Serene Queens (trademark pending) will show up wherever you are and shoot you with 1000mg of Valium.
Having dinner with your mother-in-law? Order Tranquil! In a meeting with your boss? Order Tranquil! Three-year-old telling you the same boring story about a cloud or some shit? Order tranquil!
Imagine yourself in a bad job interview. You just admitted the last book you read in its entirety was Junie B, Jones and the Stupid Smelly Bus. Now imagine yourself passed out cold on the employer’s desk, drooling, but unable to feel embarrassment. That’s what we’re offering you here with Tranquil.
Imagine you’re about to walk down the aisle at your wedding. Everything is picture-perfect, but you realize you don’t really love your fiance after all and the idea of embarrassing him in front of all your family and friends is too much to bear, so you order Tranquil and simply collapse halfway down the aisle. Now that’s bliss.
Our Tranquil Serene Queens are available for injections 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. So if you finish your morning coffee and decide you’re just not “feeling it” for the day, you can order tranquil and be immediately lifted back into undisturbed slumber.
You deserve quiet. You deserve peace. You deserve to have sedative drugs pumping through your bloodstream on demand. Don’t take our word about how relaxing this new feature is. We’ve included these testimonials from customers who are absolutely addicted to Tranquil.
“As a mom, Tranquil has been a life-saver for me. No more arguing about nap time!” – Debbie Shultz, Miami
“This service knocked me out of the park. “No, seriously. I was tired of jogging in the park so I ordered Tranquil and I was completely comatose within moments.” – Ruth Peterson, Chicago
“ Ommmmm my God, this really works.” – Dennis Smith, Los Angeles
“My repeated use of Tranquil has led me to quit smoking and drinking. It turns out being in a persistent vegetative state around the clock is AMAZING for curbing bad habits.” – Michelle Simmons, New York City
We understand the stress of the outside world is reaching a boiling point right now. We have received a number of requests saying our videos of waves on an empty beach just aren’t cutting it. Surprisingly, some people even say our constant notifications asking how calm you’re feeling are causing more anxiety. We hear you, serenity searchers, and that’s why we created Tranquil.
