Hi everyone! Welcome back to the deadliest — I mean happiest — place on Earth!
My name is David and I will be your tour guide today. We are so glad to see each and every one of you back in our parks, risking your lives so you can eat a pineapple dole whip. Please stick together as we have two parks to contaminate, er, cover, before the day’s out.
We believe Disney is a magical place and not at all a cartoonish manifestation of capitalist evil in America. That being said, we have Mickey Mouse themed protective masks in our gift shop for $49.99 each.
Coming up on your left you’ll see one of our oldest rides: It’s a Small World. This is an aptly named attraction because each time we send a trolley crammed full of people through the poorly-ventilated ride, we are tempting the world to get a little bit smaller.
Straight ahead we have our most popular water ride, Splash Mountain. According to Pinocchio, Splash Mountain is 99.9% effective at washing away coronavirus germs. You should take his word for it, that puppet never lies.
Speaking of that pesky virus, give me a wave if you want to purchase one of our new “Peter Pan Pandemic” packages. You can nab a Social Distancing Fast Pass+ for just $100 a day. This ensures you’re placed in a line where you and your family have plenty of room to spread out. For an additional $75, we will have Captain Hook follow you around the park, maniacally waving his hook hand to keep other guests six feet away from you.
Oh look, every one it’s Princess Aurora from Sleeping Beauty! Anyone who wants photos please form a single-file line behind me. Just don’t make comments about Aurora’s quarantine weight gain. It looks like she’s been sleeping on her gym routine the last few months if you know what I mean, ay-o! Anyway, the princess has been furloughed without pay so she’s ready to grin and bear it through whatever your kids throw at her.
It’s 2 p.m. so let’s break for lunch at our popular Be Our Guest restaurant. Please be our guest at opening your wallets for the three-course meal. Belle and the Beast will be stopping by your table shortly to remind you quarantine couples that Stockholm Syndrome is totally in right now.
Did you enjoy your lunch? Great….Well, yo ho ho and a bottle of rum, don’t put those wallets away yet, it’s Captain Jack Sparrow! Captain Jack and his pirate crew are selling $10 squirts of “rum juice”, aka hand sanitizer. Arrrrghh you going to make the right choice for your child’s health?
Now, I know many of you are staying at one of our beautiful Walt Disney World Resorts. I just wanted to make sure you heard about the new coronavirus hotel upgrade. You can now pay to have fairy godmothers bippity boppity boop a ventilator into your room along with a hospital bed. This means even if you do get sick, you don’t have to leave Disney property! The magic can continue.
As we walk toward the park exit let me tell you about our next stop: Epcot! Epcot features cuisine from around the world. However, today you will find the China pavilion is closed and Mulan has been banned from the premises. Corporate wanted me to mention that this has absolutely nothing to do with the Coronavirus originating in China.
When we get to Epcot we will be hitching a ride with our favorite purple dinosaur, Figment, all while remembering the coronavirus is just a figment of our imagination.
Alright everyone, pip pip, keep up!
