(An alien couple cruises toward Earth. The husband looks out the window wistfully while the wife browses her computer.)
ALIEN WIFE: I’m so excited to meet the Earthlings! I bet they are a nice, wholesome species.
ALIEN HUSBAND: Me too, Goopy. I just hope they accept our humble offering of 12 trillion gold nuggets. I know it’s not much.
ALIEN WIFE: Oh, It looks like we are within range to access their internet! There is one website that is sending a very strong signal. It must be popular.
ALIEN HUSBAND: What do you see?
AW: It’s called “PornHub”. I’ve never heard this word, should I click it?
AH: Yes! I bet it’s a haven for learning and enrichment.
(Alien Wife clicks on PornHub. Slaps tentacle over mouth while gasping)
AH: Goopy….? Are you ok? What do you see?
AW: Oh my Universe. It is a site for the Earthling’s sexual ventures. We’ve literally voyaged through 13 black holes but this is the darkest thing I’ve ever seen.
AH: Come on, it can’t be that bad. What do you see?
AW: Their most viewed category is “Teen”
AH: Teen? Like children? They fornicate with their young?
AW: Yes. And that’s not all.
AH: What else?
AW: ….”Incest”….
AH: They fornicate with their mothers and fathers?!
AW: Apparently. And look here…. “Two girls….. One….cup?”
AH: THEY FORNICATE WITH THEIR DRINKING APPARATUS?!
AW: I don’t think I want to visit Earth anymore, Sloopy. I got enough filth on my last trip to Uranus.
AH: Let’s search for more about the website before we jump to any conclusions. But I agree, it seems very uncivilized.
AW: You’re right, we came all this way, let’s do more research. Look, here’s a list of the top Pornhub searches of the year 2019. Surely this will shed better light on the humans.
AH: Great! What’s on the list? Is it “Two Consensual Adults in Their 40s”? How about “Fully Clothed Catholic School Girl Actually Learns Geometry?”, “Happily Married Couple who Would Never Commit Adultery”?
AW: …..
AH: Maybe, “Plumber Installs Acid Dilution Basin, Promptly Leaves”?
AW: …..
AH: “Step-Mom Graduates Top of Her Class at Prestigious Law School”?
AW: ….
AH: “A Lesbian Couple in Love Who Are Definitely Not Sisters”?
AW: I don’t know how to tell you this, but the second most searched for term of 2019 was “Aliens”
AH: ALIENS!!! THEY WANT TO FORNIICATE WITH US?!?!?!
AW: Desperately, apparently. So much that they almost stormed Area 51 where cousin Ted lives…. Probably for the alien “MILFs”.
AH: We have to turn back!! You saw how the humans treat their sexual conquests! I don’t know what a hentai is but I don’t want it coming anywhere near you, Goopy. The Earthlings don’t deserve our 12 trillion gold nuggets.
AW: You’re right, Sloopy. Besides, it looks like they’re only interested in one type of golden shower.
(The alien couple turns back, taking their gold that would have solved global poverty with them, never to return)
