Chemistry
Alright kids, the safest way to prevent chemicals from burning your eyes is to simply not do any lab experiments, ever. What if you wear protective goggles? Are you out of your mind? Here’s a graphic slideshow of eyelids covered in boils from people who thought it would be ok to “just wear protective goggles”. We’re not even going to show you how to wear the goggles properly because we know you are smart kids who have no intention of doing any lab experiments.
Art
Each of you only gets one clay pot to paint. Your clay pot is whole and perfect. Be very careful with your clay pot. Remember if you hand your clay pot to your high school boyfriend Beremy and he cracks it, your clay pot will be worthless. If your clay pot gets chipped you might as well sell it on Craigslist for cheap because no one is going to respect your gross, disheveled clay pot ever again.
English
Girls, I want you to get in the habit of ending your sentences with a period. Other types of punctuation might give people the wrong idea about your essay. A question mark will make you seem unsure, and an exclamation mark will make you seem overeager. No one likes a young woman who is all loosey-goosey with her punctuation. If you don’t end your sentences with a period and a boy misinterprets your message, that would be your fault as the writer. Keep your lines firmly closed, ladies.
Math
When you’re thinking of combining two variables together, you must only pair x’s with y’s. Two x’s can never go together, and two y’s can never go together. It takes an x and a y to multiply! Remember God said “x and y” not ”x and Sir Isaac Newton.”
Biology
Today we’re going to be talking about the birds and the bees! So please turn your textbooks to page 200 where you’ll find our first bee, the Apis dorsata. Oh, you thought I meant intercourse? Haha, we don’t discuss that here at Fall On Your Knees For Him Academy.
