When I first heard of the Coronavirus I thought, oh great, another mass killer trying to upstage me. And what a dumb villain name. Really? You’re going to name yourself after a cheap, frothy beer? Luckily for me, my parents chose a name that is already bone-chilling: Michael Audrey Myers.
I admit in the beginning I was a little jealous, but now I see the Coronavirus has done wonders for my PR. It has transformed me from a crazed supervillain in the eyes of the public to a socially conscious humanitarian. And it’s all because of the mask.
I’ve been trying for 40 years to get people to see that masks are totally in, and for 40 years I’ve been mocked. But when stores everywhere were sold out of them, neighbors flocked to my door saying they’d kill to borrow mine. A waiter even complimented my mask last night as I picked up my curbside to go from Outback Steakhouse. That’s right, I didn’t go inside the restaurant to eat, I’m not a monster.
I’m just a serial killer who is pro-public health. I stalk my victims from 6 feet away. I don’t wear gloves when ripping tween’s guts out because I’m strongly against cross-contamination. I wash my hands for 20 seconds after every single strangulation. All of my murders would get a stamp of approval from Dr. Anthony Fauci.
Now that mask-wearers are celebrated I can finally venture out of my studio apartment on days that aren’t Halloween. I can enjoy all four seasons. The chill of winter, and the summer breeze tickling my mask holes.
I can finally fulfill my life goal of murdering Jamie Lee Curtis. I really hate that lady for some reason I can’t quite put my finger on. My plan is to linger by the yogurt section of her local supermarket until she comes to pick up some Peach Activia.
Maybe now people will start to realize I’m not such a bad guy. Maybe they’ll think, “hey he’s wearing a mask, he must really care about people.” And I do!
Yes, I stabbed my teenage sister after she and her boyfriend had sex. But that’s only because my Haddonfield, Illinois Kindergarten taught me that abstinence is the ONLY answer. And yes, I went on to murder dozens more people over eight excruciating movie sequels, but that pales in comparison to the number of murders the Coronavirus has committed! People finally trust the man in the mask and I’m thriving.
I’m pumped for the opportunity to be celebrated for once. Maybe I’ll moonlight as an EMT just so the public will applaud for me every night. You know what they say, sometimes massive global pandemics can work out in your favor.
All I ever really wanted was to fit in. And kill Jamie Lee Curtis. I implore you, is that too much for me, a Good Samaritan in a mask, to ask?
