Following in the footsteps of J.K. Rowling, Elizabeth Warren has legally changed her name to E. Warren in order to appeal to a wider audience. Since making the switch to a more neutral name, E. Warren has surged in the polls. Within days of the switch, newcomer E. Warren is the clear Democratic front runner for president.
“E. Warren might be the most electable politician in modern history,” claims moderate news outlet that was bashing Elizabeth Warren just last week.
Bernie Bros have been ripping all the letters off their 2016 Bernie Sanders t-shirts so now they just read “E.”
“E stands for easy, which is what your life will be if you vote for me in 2020!” Warren bellowed to a cheering crowd at an already sold out rally. E’s voice was described by rally goers as “a deep baritone, and not at all shrill.” Her clothing choice of a plain blue button-up shirt with black pants was not commented on at all.
Warren recently released a DNA test that revealed she’s only 1% female anyway.
“This is the first time in my life I’ve gone two whole days without being compared to Hillary Clinton,” E told us in an exclusive interview. “Elizabeth is dead and things are about to get eeeeeeeven better,” Warren said emphasizing the E’s.
Seeing E’s success, Kirsten Gillibrand and Kamala Harris are dueling over the right to use the letter K. Joe Biden was seen crying at his computer as he watches himself fall out of favor among suburban dads who now prefer E. Warren.
Descriptors like “grandmother” and “mother” have disappeared from news stories about Warren and have been replaced with actual pieces of her policy. On Thursday, she reportedly told a male Senator her opinion without being called bossy. Warren plans to put the “E” back in Progressive in 2020.
