Great news! Here at BigSmiles Marketing, we are hiring interns for the upcoming spring semester. The position does not pay and will under no circumstances lead to a paid position. However, we are confident that you’ll find our internship program educational and exciting. We’ve outlined below the qualities we look for from our unpaid interns. Also, please keep in mind there is a rigorous vetting process including three phone interviews, five in person interviews, and a Scientology-style personality test.
1) Unlimited Availability
If you’re seeking an internship with our company, you should have 9-5 availability Monday through Friday. This ensures us that you have absolutely zero chance of making money at any other company. You are also expected to be on call during the weekends and evenings in case one of our paid employees needs to vent about their personal lives.
2) Work Ethic
We want interns who are willing to go above and beyond to earn their 0 dollars and 0 cents a week paychecks. You should be ready to put this internship above every other aspect of your life, ESPECIALLY your health.
3) Three Letters of Recommendation from past supervisors
Judging by the fact that you’re willing to work for free, we’re sure you have tons of prior experience. Therefore, we require three letters of recommendation from past supervisors. They should be signed by a Notary Public with a peacock quill.
4) Grip Strength
Interns should carry hand strengtheners around the office with them to make sure they’re up to the challenge of distributing coffee. Knowing how to properly hand out coffee to a room full of paid employees will provide interns with invaluable life skills to better prepare them for the future.
5) At least one prior paid internship
We require our interns to have at least one prior paid internship. We find that people who have tasted the sweet nectar of cash perform better once they’re deprived from it.
6) Moderately good looks
We’re seeking interns who are good looking but not so good looking that they become a distraction. You should be at least a 6, but no higher than an 8. Intern attire will be sensual business casual.
7) Positive attitude
We like our slaves, I mean interns, to have a positive attitude about the work they’re doing. We try to keep an upbeat company culture and we can’t do that if our slave labor interns aren’t upbeat 100% of the time. It’s easy to have fun here at BigSmiles Marketing! We have a game room stocked with a ping-pong table, video games, and a Foosball table that interns should feel free to keep clean for the paid employees.
8) Virgin Blood
Our unpaid intern must have pure, virginal blood for the end of semester sacrifice. At the end of every internship period, one intern is chosen for a sacrifice! Don’t worry, it looks great on your resume.
Sounds like an exciting opportunity!! They may even allow you to donate your organs if any paid employee may need them.