Noon– Wake up hungover from a long night of celebrating Star Wars Day. Lie in bed newly enraged by how Disney is ruining Star Wars with it’s increase of minority and female characters. Punch nearest wall.
12:03- Text only Mexican friend in contact list “Happy Mexican Independence Day!” with a sombrero emoji. Stare at phone wondering why friend didn’t text back.
12:15- Walk through frat house beating chest and exclaiming “VIVA LA MEXICO!!”
12:30- Rally a group of 11 frat bros dressed in identical outfits of pastel shorts and Sperry’s to head to nearest Mexican restaurant.
1:00- Order 7 enchiladas and 9 burritos taking time to fake a Mexican accent while talking to the waitress.
2:30- After spending an hour and a half occupying a table during the lunch rush, leave a 2 dollar tip and write “gracias mamacita” along with your phone number on the receipt.
2:35– Return to frat house to take a food coma nap wrapped in your American flag duvet.
4:00 – Wake up from nap. Look over at hole in wall that you punched this morning. Google, “How to get Mexico to pay for my wall”
5:00- Drag out “Day of the Dead” masks that some of the brothers wore for Halloween and encourage bros it’ll be totally “fuego” if you all wore them to happy hour.
5:30- Roll up to your second Mexican restaurant of the day and sit at the bar. Order a Margarita and 5 tacos with sauce on the side.
5:42- Take one bite of taco and immediately spit it out into your peach-flavored margarita. Loudly complain to waiter that tacos were too spicy, even with the sauce on the side, and ask for the cook to prepare tacos with no spices. Demand free replacement margarita.
5:55- Replacement set of tacos were still way too spicy so you storm out of restaurant alone and drunkenly drive to Taco Bell.
5:57- Scream into Taco Bell drive- thru, “What can I get for 5 pesos????”, to which the Taco Bell employee responds, “Sir we only take American dollars here.” You end up getting a chicken quesadilla and a small Baja Blast.
5:58- The Baja Blast is too spicy so you throw it out the window but it hits a police car.
6:00- Policeman pulls you over and notices you’re clearly intoxicated, are wearing a Day of the Dead mask, and are driving with your feet while you eat your Taco Bell quesadilla.
6:01- Policeman angrily asks you to remove your mask.
6:01 and thirty seconds- Policeman smiles upon realizing that you’re the son of his frat bro Steve and let’s you off with a warning after telling you to “Enjoy your Cinco De Mayo, hermano.”
6:30- You arrive back to the frat house in time for your frat’s annual Cinco de Mayo (whites only) bash.
7:00- You queue up the Spotify playlist that your bros asked you to curate for the party. The playlist is just the entire motion picture soundtrack from the movie Coco along with Justin Bieber’s “Despacito.”
8:00- People start showing up to the party and you greet them with a resounding “hola!!” and offer them a shot of Jose Cuervo tequila.
8:30- Amanda from Alpha Gamma Beta Fish takes her top off and shakes her boobs like maracas while screaming the lyrics to “Despacito” and telling everyone it’s her favorite song.
9:00- You bring out the Pinata that inexplicably resembles a young Mexican child and everyone takes turns whacking it with a stick until it breaks and Mexican jumping beans are poured over the whole party.
9:02- Everyone is mad at you for filling the piñata with Mexican jumping beans instead of actual candy.
9:05- You take 7 tequila shots to drown out their complaints.
10:30- You get into a heated debate with a liberal bro from Phi Sigma Snowflake about whether or not Donald Trump is racist. To prove your point that he’s not you bring up Trump’s Cinco De Mayo tweet from 2016 where he declares, “I love Hispanics!”
10:35- You kick everyone from Phi Sigma Snowflake out of your party and promise they’ll never come to a party as great as yours ever again.
Midnight- Tired from a long day of celebrating, you pass out on your Fraternity house’s lawn wearing only a sombrero. Someone leaves a note on your back that says, “mow around me, hombre.”
Now that’s partying hardy indeed. Cracked me up.
Have a fabulous day. 🙂
Lmao “shakes her boobs like maracas” slayed me 😂
BahahH yes i loved every moment of it and reminded me of being in college! lol