NRA Makes Move to Arm Nation’s Class Hamsters

There is a proposal in the works to put guns in the hands of class pets around the nation. The obvious answer to ending gun violence in schools is arming every living being in the classroom that’s not a student. The National Rifle Association believes putting guns in the furry paws of class pets is just what the nation needs to keep its children safe.

In order to discover what class pets think of the proposal I went to Turner Elementary school and talked to their class hamster, Kenny. When I arrived Kenny appeared very stressed. He was running like mad on his hamster wheel. I tentatively approached him and asked how he felt about packing heat at school.

Q. So Kenny, what was your initial reaction to hearing about the proposal to arm class pets in schools?

“Well the way I see it, there are pro’s and con’s to the situation. One major pro is that I’ve been promised extra treats if I hold a firearm at school. You see, I’m criminally underpaid as a class pet. Sometimes the kids even forget to feed me. But on the con side, I’m a hamster and I’ve never shot a gun in my life.”

Q. What are you concerned about when it comes to being armed in your classroom?

“I’m worried how students will react to me if they see me packing a pistol. I worry they’ll be afraid of me, when I was once their beloved pet. Of course sometimes the kids drive me crazy and I imagine what it would be like to take one out but I would never actually do it. Well, maybe Sean who picks me up and shakes me like a Coke can at least twice a day. But other than that there is not a single child in this class that I would want to kill.”

Q. So you’re worried the students will see you differently?

“Sure. Class pets are supposed to be things students can trust. I wouldn’t want to cast a dark shadow over the classroom by possessing a deadly weapon. Anytime a student came to talk or snuggle with me they would know I had the ability to kill them. I wouldn’t feel right fulfilling my duties as a class pet knowing that I have a weapon just a paw away.

I’m also concerned because I have a lot of friends who are class pets who I wouldn’t necessarily want to arm. A close friend of mine is the class rabbit over at Springfield middle school. I would never want her packing a gun, she’s way too jumpy.”

Q. Don’t you think it would be a good experience to be cross trained in two professions?

“When I went to school to be a class pet I never thought I would be asked to carry a gun. If I wanted to shoot people, I would have become a hamster cop like my brother Terry. If I decided to take up a second career it wouldn’t be law enforcement, it would be Pilates instructor. Hamsters are extremely flexible and we have a lot to teach the world about how to properly move their limbs.”

Q. With proper training, do you think you’d be able to stop a gunman with an AR-15?

“I could run every day on this hamster wheel and be in tip top shape and still not feel equipped to stop a person with an assault rifle. Even with the proposed 132 hours of training I don’t feel like I would be equipped to carry a fire arm.”

Q, What exactly is your role in this classroom?

“Lately I’ve transitioned into an emotional support hamster for these kids. They’re all nervous and stressed out.  Maybe instead of guns we should buy every single student an emotional support hamster. That way some of their mental health issues could be addressed and I wouldn’t have to be squeezed until my eyes bug out of my head by 25 different sets of hands. Plus, no child feels like shooting up a school after stroking the soft fur of an emotional support hamster. #HamstersNotHandguns.”

Q. Where do you think President Trump is coming from when he suggests arming class pets?

“I hear our president talk a lot about “hardening” our schools but I wonder how I, a creature so soft, could possibly harden anything. Maybe we should consider “hardening” our curriculum and investing more in education. After all we are falling further and further behind China every year.

I know my hamster brain is only the size of a chickpea but even I can tell these American kids need a better education. The first thing American children learn in school is their second amendment rights. Last week a girl named Kimmy recited the 2^nd amendment but she couldn’t spell the word tomato.”

Q. Do you feel you have a safe place to store your gun when you’re not using it?

“To be frank, no. I’m a public school class pet. I don’t have the fancy schmancy cages of prep school class hamsters. I have one cold cage that seems like it was built for a dwarf hamster. I don’t even have any toys or tubes to run around in. But they want me to secure a pistol that’s almost as big as my cage itself.

I tweeted at Donald Trump to ask if he would be making miniature sized pistols to accommodate class pets and he tweeted back. “No, when I do something, I do it bigly. All class pets will be carrying hooman sized guns”

Q. He said hooman instead of human?

“He said hooman.”

Q. What gives you, a class pet, any right to weigh in on the issue?

“You know, that is a good question. When it comes to arming class pets I don’t think we should listen to class pets at all. I am actually shocked you came here asking my opinion in the first place.”

Q. Well, a lot has been said today Kenny. I want to let you get back to your job but first could you summarize your thoughts on this issue?

“So I guess to answer your question, no I don’t want the responsibility of being armed in school. But if you wanted to start paying class pets a decent wage I wouldn’t complain. After all, we’re spending all day enhancing the lives of America’s youth. I think that’s worth something even if we don’t have guns in our hands.  Maybe just a few extra yogurt bites?”