A Letter to Floridians from the Sun

To: Floridians

From: CEO of Florida, The Sun

Subject: Downsizing and Demanding More Respect

Dear Floridians,

Listen up! The date is officially March 1st which kicks off Florida Summer. As you know we don’t celebrate Spring here. We only have two seasons: Basically Summer and Summer, and we are now in the Summer season of 2018.

It has come to my attention that this state of mine, The Sunshine State, could use some downsizing. Downsizing can be such a shady business. As the sun, I don’t want to be put in the position of doing anything shady. That being said, I’m going to use this summer to push you to your limits. I’m going to turn up the heat to see if I can weed out any weak links. At least if you quit the Florida lifestyle on your own I don’t have to pay any severance packages.

As CEO of the sunshine state, I expect full loyalty from my Floridians. I want to create a positive company culture here in Florida. I’m not saying you have to worship me but a little respect for your boss would be nice. I’m tired of hearing your complaints about me. Even your compliments about me being “too hot” or “too bright” are starting to sound like insults. I know that I shine so much brighter than you and that can be intimidating, but you don’t have to lash out just because you feel inferior.

If you’re tired of me breathing down your neck now just wait. The days are getting longer and longer. I’m going to be working extra hours, ensuring my Floridians know who’s boss. If you don’t like this state, go ahead and leave. There are a million retirees who would kill for a property here.

My first test of your loyalty will be cranking up the heat and seeing how you all react.
Some of you will be foolish enough to go swimming in my lakes and be attacked by alligators. Others will trip over your own flip flop, fall into a sink hole, and disappear forever.

My second test of your loyalty will be sending my dear friends, The Hurricanes, to knock out your A/C and see how you handle me then. Do you not think I read your Twitter accounts? I see your tweets after 22 minutes of no air conditioning. Proclaiming to the world you can’t handle me, the Florida sun, any longer. Leave then, Cynthia! This has been a test and you have failed.

My third test of your loyalty will be scorching your pasty skin. I see you on your vacation to South Beach, slathering on SPF 180 as if it will help shield you from me. My rays have already done irreparable damage to your skin through the blinds of your hotel room.

I will beat down on you so hard that some of you will crack under the pressure. The hotter I get the crazier you all get. I love to watch the mass chaos ensue in Disney World when it’s 102 degrees. Mom’s will clobber each other over the head to get a Pineapple Dole Whip in Magic Kingdom.

This summer will test you Floridians in ways you didn’t know you could be tested.
I will burn you in the time it takes to walk from your car to the entrance of Walmart.
I will make you invest in 17 pairs of sunglasses because you keep losing them.
I will melt your popsicle to the ground before you can take a second lick.
I will completely ruin every outdoor event you try to go to in July.
I will send you to the hospital when you touch your seat belt after leaving me to watch your car all day.
I will give you freckles in places you didn’t even know you had skin.
I will pierce through any sleep mask you attempt to wear and wake you up every morning.
I will make your thighs stick together in your jorts.

After this summer, some of you will want to move to Seattle and never see me again. You won’t even want to order your eggs sunny side up because it will remind you of me.

Whoever is left cradling a Publix sub, sweating pellets of Gatorade, and stroking their pet palmetto bug at the end of the summer is a true Floridian. You’re welcome to retain your position in the Sunshine State. You can continue decorating your palm trees with Christmas lights and playing croquet with flamingos.

After Summer 2018, I promise to ease up a bit for the “Basically Summer” season. I’ll give you time to apply your aloe vera and I’ll cut back on my hours. You just have to make it through this one wet, hot, Floridian summer to prove to me that you belong here.

Best of luck,
Your boss, The Sun