Since the beginning of time women have been tempting men, leading them into sin. It started in Genesis with the forbidden fruit and it continues today with the Girl Scout cookie. However, Satan has gotten smarter since Biblical times. He knows that nobody in obesity- stricken America eats fruit anymore. He now packages his evil in colored boxes with cute names like “Tag-alongs” and “Savannah Smiles.”
The month is February. Satan’s evil, disguised as boxes of girl scout cookies, has crept its way into the homes of nearly every American. Greedily we feast on box after box of these delicious crumpets of evil. Unaware that we are literally eating the devil.
Think of how you feel right after eating a full box of girl scout cookies in one sitting. Do you feel light and ready to tackle your day or do you feel bogged down by the weight of sin? You probably thought that it was sugar and carbs weighing you down, but I am here to tell you that is the devil himself. Read on for 4 reasons girl scout cookies are evil:
1) Girl scout cookies are Manufactured to Break Your New Year’s Resolutions:
You’re telling me it’s a coincidence these puppies are released in mid-February? Six weeks into the year and suddenly millions of boxes of sugary deliciousness start raining from the sky. People are still going strong with their resolutions in mid-February.. Every single year America is on it’s way to becoming the healthiest nation in the world and then girl scout cookies come along and ruin it. Girl scout cookies are clearly a ploy by the Devil to keep America fat and slow.
2) Girl scout cookies are Sexist:
Have you ever taken a pause to look at your girl scout cookie box before tearing into it like a wild animal? If you did, you’d notice there is not a single boy on those boxes. They’re always covered in girls kayaking together or laughing around a campfire. It’s obvious that girl scouts are a bunch of misandrists. When will this country start teaching little boys that they can do whatever they set their minds to? When will it be the boys turn to be featured smiling on the backs of our cookie boxes?
3) girl scout cookies are Body-Shaming:
We’ve already established that girl scouts hate men, but they also hate fat people. Thin-mints, really? You couldn’t have called them “ Healthy BMI- mints” or “Pear Shaped-mints”? Satan is trying to perpetuate the ideal “thin” body size that is so rampant in today’s media. And he is doing this WHILE making people fat with how delicious girl scout cookies are.
4) girl scout cookies are Targeting our Weakest Links:
“Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” 1 Peter 5:8. The Devil knew exactly where his girl scout cookies would sell best. Last week, a girl started selling cookies in front of a marijuana dispensary. She sold 300 boxes in 6 hours. Ask yourself, is this 9 year old a mastermind of cookie marketing or was this the hand of the Devil?
The evil looms everywhere
A few months ago a girl scout moved in with her family across the street in my neighborhood. Ever since I have felt a sinister cloud settle over my block.
It feels like she is always watching me, waiting for a time when I look hungry enough to pounce. I know there are girl scout cookie boxes by the dozen in the back of her mom’s mini van, I sense them. They’re pulling me in like Gollum to his precious ring. Soon I will loose all power to resist; and I too will be filled with the crumbs of the devil.
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This is absolutely hilarious!!
Be strong! I have successfully resisted the call of Satan for years (mostly due to the Devil not having discovered my neighborhood yet), I’m living proof that it’s possible.
I’m so glad this has finally come out! I’ve secretly suspected this is the case for years – every since I was a girl guide (we won’t talk about how long ago that was). I also suspect that they use secret ingredients that cause instant addiction because, be honest, can you eat just one? Thanks for the laugh! 🙂
HAHAHAH, this made me literally LOL. This is hilarious! I love the Evil Looms Everywhere part the most hahah!! You are a great comedy writer!
Lol! So fun and yet so true! I think the devil put his addictive juices in the cookies so you can’t eat just one! Especially those thin mints!!!! Stay strong!! Don’t let him invade your dwelling or mouth!! ❤️
If I read some of what you said out of context, I literally would not be able to tell if you were joking or not. The cover of seriousness over the humour is exquisite. Loved it, I laughed so much.
LOL this is hilarious. I have been saying to all my neighbors that Girl Scout Cookies are my gateway drug of choice….. As I continue to support all my local Girl Scouts in the neighborhood. I grew up peddling the cookies from door to door and I just want to give back those girls brave enough to be Girl Scouts in this day and age……. and eat all their cookies too.
Oh my gosh this is so funny! As a former Girl Scout I am very in-tune with all the evil cookie wiles haha. I laughed so hard at your point about “Thin” mints . . . nobody stays thin eating them, that’s for sure!