I’ve Decided to Have a Baby so I Can be a Mommy Blogger

Everyone loves mommy blogs. Mommy blogs are like the superhero movies of the blogging world. People can’t look away from the action packed life of the mom. Mommy blogs cover everything from new gluten-free cookie recipes to creative ways to make babies stop crying that don’t involve suffocation.

I’m convinced everyone who has a mommy blog is a successful blogger. New moms are so scared out of their minds about having to take care of another human life that they all band together on the internet and support each other’s blogs. There is no community on earth more tightly knit than mommy bloggers.

I will not let anything stand in my way of blogging stardom. Therefore, I’ve decided to have a baby for the express purpose of running a mommy blog. My child, boy or girl, will be named SEO. Later in life when he or she asks me why they are named SEO I will tell them lovingly that “improving my SEO is the reason they’re in this world.” And then I will blog about their adorable question. Once my baby SEO is born I will launch my blog entitled, “SEO Says Hello!”.

Since I am a millennial, the mommy problems I face will be different than those of older generations. But don’t worry, I have already done some brainstorming.

Millennial Mommy blog post ideas:

1. Which Handheld Electronic Device Will Make Your Child STFU the Longest?
2. What To Do When Your Child Says Your Hipster Record Collection is Outdated
3. Help! People Won’t Stop Making Fun of my Son For Being Named SEO
4. My Teen Looks Exactly Like me and She Opened my Iphone X with her Face and Saw my Porn Collection
5. I Bought Too Much Avodaco Toast and Now Me and My Child are Homeless
6. How To Respond When Your Three Year Old Son Says he Doesn’t Want to Wear Millennial Pink Every Day.
7. Embrace the Tiny House Movement: Why You Should Move your Family of 9 into a Tiny House
8. I Gave my Child a Participation Trophy for Pooping in the Toilet
9. Confessions: I started a Subreddit to Gossip About the Other Moms at my Kid’s School
10. Flavorless, Allergen Free Recipes for Your Child’s next birthday party

Now with my ideas in order I just have to overcome the small hurdle of finding a man who’s supportive of letting us name our child SEO. Of course, I will need to stay home with SEO 24/7 so I can blog all of our mommy and me activities.

SEO will make no movements that aren’t recorded on my mommy blog. On days when she is interesting and does “blog worthy” things she will be rewarded. Some days she will be boring  and will tell me she’s tired of being watched like a paramecium under a microscope. She will say she “just wants to watch Sesame Street in peace”, but I will remind her of why I brought her into this world.

When the time comes, SEO will name her own son or daughter “Traffic”, and the cycle of using our children to increase traffic to our blogs will carry on for generations.