For sitting down with me today, I do thank you. Market research, I have done. Undervalued, I do feel. 800 years, tirelessly at this job have I worked. Twenty thousand padawans have I trained. Evil to their very core only a SMALL HANDFUL did turn. To be Jedi is to…
There’s a lot of talk about postponing the rollout of 5G near airports “due to safety concerns.” As I’m here pacing the airport barefoot waiting for my flight, the only CONCERN I have is I that won’t be able to access the fastest internet possible. When I’m sitting uncomfortably close…
Too Loud In The Library Joe Goldberg lurks between the shelves of a suburban library, a baby strapped to his chest. His eyes are fixed on his next target: a generic white woman named Dream. Larry David enters the row looking for a freakshow book. He notices Joe blocking the…
We are begging you to stop spreading the lie that “men are from Mars and women are from Venus.” We’ve seen your Earth men and we couldn’t be more horrified to have them associated with our planet’s brand. It’s honestly a PR nightmare and we have to put a stop…
Missed out on the latest news? Catch up here with my mini late night talk show.
Psst… It’s me, Michelangelo’s David. Or as I like to be called, “David,” because I am my own person and owned by no man. I heard you all have been tearing down statues left and right and I’m just wondering… where can I sign up? I’m located in the Galleria…
Here at Serene, the nation’s number one mediation app, we care about your peace of mind. That’s why we want to make sure you know about our new in-app feature, Tranquil: a tranquilizer dart service that will render your body unconscious for an undetermined amount of time. When you purchase…
I just want to say, from the bottom of my purse full of arcade tokens, I’m sorry. I know when we walked in the arcade as man and woman you didn’t expect to leave a shriveled, broken little boy. I didn’t understand the power my lady elbow could unleash. I…