comedy
I’m the Elephant in the Room and I Will Not Rest Until You Acknowledge Me
You’re having dinner with your sister who owes you 500 dollars. She walks in the restaurant and you check your watch. She’s 20 minutes late. A kiss on the cheek and a quick hug and the greetings are over. You begin to feel my presence. Four hooves, two floppy ears…
List: How Notre Dame burning affects me, a wealthy American who visited Paris once
Bonjour! I went on a three week European excursion in 2010 and I am now DEVASTATED by the news of Notre Dame burning. Here are all the reasons I haven’t left my mansion out of grief since seeing the fire: 1.My childhood crush was on Quasimodo. I mean Hunchback…
Elizabeth Warren Changes Name to “E. Warren” in Hopes No One Will Notice She’s Female
Following in the footsteps of J.K. Rowling, Elizabeth Warren has legally changed her name to E. Warren in order to appeal to a wider audience. Since making the switch to a more neutral name, E. Warren has surged in the polls. Within days of the switch, newcomer E. Warren is…
Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them in the Migrant Caravan
At this very moment, thousands of migrants are marching from Honduras, Guatemala, and El Salvador towards the United States border. Reportedly, however, not all of these migrants are from Central America. Indeed, some members of the caravan have flown in from around the world to join the march. One man,…
Satanists Fight to Keep “Happy” in “Happy Halloween”
Local Satanists Gary Slaughter and Bertha Blackwood are fighting to end the “war on Halloween.” The couple was spotted holding signs written in blood that said “Satanist holidays matter” and “Wish me a Happy Halloween…or else.” The couple claims they speak for all Satanists when they say the war on…
Female Lovebug Tired of Mate Not Pulling His Own Weight
Lucy Lovebug clung on for dear life to the windshield of the minivan. Larry Lovebug flailed in the wind, doing “the wave” with his arms. Lucy sighed and bore down harder into the windshield. She knew if she let go her and Larry would go spiraling to their deaths. She…
Who Said it: Louis C.K. or the Terminator?
The following 14 quotes are things actually said by either Louis C.K. or The Terminator. Your job is to identify who said what. Answer key is at the bottom of the quiz. 1) “I will now step back and take a long time to listen.” 2) ‘I’ll be back” 3)…
Florida Woman Catches Hypothermia Upon Swimming in 86 Degree Pool
On a steamy Florida afternoon in August, Beatrice Bellweather arrived home from her tennis lesson dripping in sweat. She walked out to the pool to check the temperature. Upon pulling the thermometer out of the pool, she was disappointed to see the water was a mere 86 degrees. Beatrice and…
Corgi on the Run: What I Learned During my 20 Minutes of Freedom
*****This afternoon while my family was watching the U.S Open, our corgi somehow broke out of the screen porch and escaped. Fortunately, he was unharmed and only missing for about 20 minutes. This is a memoir written from his point of view on what he did during his escape.***** I…