*****This afternoon while my family was watching the U.S Open, our corgi somehow broke out of the screen porch and escaped. Fortunately, he was unharmed and only missing for about 20 minutes. This is a memoir written from his point of view on what he did during his escape.*****
I roll over on my back, letting the Florida sun warm my belly. It’s a hot June afternoon and my humans are all inside watching other humans whack balls with sticks on tv. I’m terribly bored. I haven’t gotten a single head scratch in 37 minutes. I’m starting to grow faint from the lack of attention. How dare they leave me all alone on this porch?
I look over at the glistening lake, only 100 feet away. My mouth waters thinking about lapping up that murky lake water. The only thing that separates me from the lake is a thin screen. Maybe I should bust out and go swimming all alone. That’ll teach my humans to pay attention to Tiger Woods instead of me.
I tap on the screen door with my nose and am delighted to find that the red headed human didn’t close it all the way! This is my chance! I’ll be like Moana! No one knows how far I’ll go! I push the door open and waddle my chubby body down the steps. I really should cut back on the biscuits if I’m going to win that Corgi race next week. Oh well. Now’s the not the time to think about my body image issues, I’m free!
I make it down to the yard and realize I can do whatever I want now. I’m not constrained by the pull of a leash. I have no master.
The first thing I do with my freedom is run off the edge of the dock and belly flop into the water. The water feels amazing against my fur. I start to doggy paddle out into the lake but am immediately terrified by the number of turtles that pass me. Why are they all better at the doggy paddle than I am? I am a dog for goodness sake! This hurts my self esteem so I make my way out of the lake and shake out my fur. I’ve now been free for 4 whole minutes.
A heavenly scent wafts over from a few houses down. It smells like barbecue and forgotten dreams. I decide I must head here next and briskly trot towards the cook out. When I arrive at the source of the smell I find the most beautiful site I’ve set my canine eyes on: a grille full of meats and over 20 munching humans.
“Look it’s an orgy!” one of the human screamed. I start to wonder if I misheard them, they must have meant corgi right? I start to think of my own humans watching golf, no orgies, and they don’t seem so bad after all.
One of the tiny humans tried to pick me up and carry me inside so I snarled at him. This is my chance to be free, I certainly don’t want to join another household so soon. Especially not one that takes part in orgies.. Afraid of being captured, I flee the scene, heading further away from my house and my humans. I bet they don’t even notice I’m gone. I step on a snail just to feel powerful.
It’s been 9 minutes since I escaped and the sun is beating down on me. I think longingly about my favorite spot on the cool tile floor of my kitchen. Who knew being free would be so sweaty?
I see a pug approaching with his owner. Ha HA hA, leashed dogs, how pathetic. I prance up to him and dance a quick circle around him so he knows I’m free and he isn’t. The petrified pug then backs behind his owner as if he’s afraid of me. When did leashed dogs get so soft? I look up at the owner and realize she is also afraid of me. I look longingly at the way the human is standing between me and her beloved pet. I start to miss the protective pull of my own leash.
Seeing that the punk pug doesn’t want to engage with me, I decide to keep on walking.
Wow, it’s been 15 minutes since I escaped and I’m getting kind of hungry. I can’t go home yet though before they even have a chance to miss me. I want there to be panic. I want my picture up all around town on “lost dog” signs. I want the fame that comes from a truly beloved dog going missing.
I want them to make a tv series about me when I finally return. “The Unbreakable Corgi Schmidt”, a story about one corgi who was lost but persevered on his own until he was found. That way my humans will be watching ME on tv instead of men in khakis whacking balls.
I decide I’ll circle back to my neighbor’s house. I just want to be in ear shot to see IF my humans are calling for me yet. Not that I’ll go home if they are… even though it is dinner time and I’m very hungry.
I walk through our neighbor’s yard and freeze when I notice my neighbors are eating on their porch. Oh shoot, they’re going to spot me and tell my humans! I try to hide behind a flowerbed but my biscuit-filled belly is too large.
“Is that Cosmo?” my neighbor calls out to me, and anyone listening.
“Oh that is Cosmo! What is he doing over here?” another neighbor exclaims.
They start to call me over but instead I try to dig my way into the ground so I won’t be noticed. I hear someone nearby and look up to see my own humans approaching quickly. One of them is crying and the other is calling my name repeatedly. Jeez, I know I’m man’s best friend but these humans are soooo clingy.
I stop digging and try to act casual, like I never left home to begin with. My humans start petting me and scruffing up my fur. I roll over, feeling the warm June sun on my belly and the hands of humans who adore me.
Freedom could never be as sweet as this.