32-year old Bruce Ackerman started his Wednesday evening just like any other, shredding it at Gold’s gym. Bruce bought a house exactly 5 minutes away from the largest Gold’s Gym in America. He wanted to make sure he lived close enough to the gym to rush home and make himself his post-workout protein shake. Made up of 95% protein, 5% shake.
Bruce has a thirty-minute window after pumping iron to consume his protein shake otherwise his muscles shrivel up like raisins and he loses all his gainz.
On this particular Wednesday fate wasn’t on his side. Right as he was leaving the gym his old high school buddy John Jacobs entered and Bruce’s fate was sealed upon one gregarious, back-slapping handshake. Sweat droplets leaped off Bruce’s back as John slapped it three times in a row.
“How are you my man?” Bruce asked John, not expecting a real answer.
Unfortunately for Bruce, John’s wife just left him for her Pilates instructor and Bruce had to listen to an entire speech about John’s miserable life. Despite Bruce giving all the social cues body builders have to get away from a conversation, John wouldn’t stop talking about the Pilates instructor’s’ muscular calves and ripped anterior delts.
Finally, John’s personal trainer walked up to the pair and broke them out of the conversation. Bruce gave a quick grunt to John and busted out of the gym doors, running for his life.
“I neeeeeeeed my gains” Bruce panted as he sprinted to his yellow Camaro. He was starting to feel weak. He sat down in the front seat and checked his Fit Bit. Only 4 minutes left until the 30-minute window closed and his muscles would be gone forever.
He started the engine and screeched out of the parking lot going 80mph. Chariots of Fire boomed out of his stereo. He knew his beloved Nutribullet was waiting for him. He started salivating as he thought about his quart of Whey protein powder sitting seductively on the counter.
He checked his Fitbit again. One minute left. He was too late.
Bruce yelped in pain as he felt his quad muscles start to eat themselves. Suddenly, Bruce’s arms could no longer hold the wheel as they turned into noodles.
“It’s happpppennninggggg!” Bruce shrieked as his whole body started to shrink while his clothes remained the same size.
Bruce’s naked body shrunk down to the size of a foot as he jumped on the gas pedal, knowing he was mere seconds from his home. There was a loud crash as Bruce’s car sped into the wrong lane and a semi truck slammed into it.
When the paramedics showed up on the scene there was no body to be found in the yellow Camaro. All that was left of Bruce was his Under Armour compression shorts and his Fitbit that flashed “You’ve reached your 10,000 steps today!”
Haha! That was awesome. Love the Gollum pic. 😂
I feel like Bruce could’ve brought a meal-prepped Nutribullet in his gym bag and plugged it in in the locker room and avoided this whole rushing home thing (especially if his gym doesn’t have its own juice bar – why does the government allow gyms to operate without a juice bar when people can die??). Though that hard-earned wisdom might be from my lifelong experience living in a congested city where the 5-minute commute went extinct 98 years ago.