United Airlines Made Me Flush my Emotional Support Leprechaun Down the Toilet

Having an emotional support leprechaun sham-ROCKED while it lasted. Almost one year ago today, on St Patrick’s Day 2017, I followed a rainbow and found a leprechaun dozing at the end of it. I could tell this leprechaun was an emotional support leprechaun because he immediately walked up to me, hopped on my shoulder, and whispered, “You’re doing great, lassie.”

Since then, Seamus became my emotional support leprechaun and hasn’t left my shoulder. We do everything together and Seamus functions in all the same ways as an emotional support animal. When I’m stressed, I pet Seamus’s hairy back. When I’m hungry, Seamus and I eat bowls of Lucky Charms together. When I meet a guy I’m interested in Seamus gives me cheesy Irish pick up lines to use like, “I’m not the Blarney Stone but you should still kiss me.”

With my red hair and general Celtic appearance, no one has ever questioned why I’m carrying a leprechaun around with me. In fact, many people who pass us tip their hat at Seamus to greet him. Nobody seemed to mind until today, when United Airlines REFUSED to let my emotional support leprechaun on the plane.

Seamus and I made it through TSA just fine, though he wasn’t happy about having to take off his little leprechaun boots (leprechauns are notorious for their foul foot odor). But when we got to the United Airline’s gate the attendant asked for Seamus’s boarding pass.  I told them that Seamus was my emotional support leprechaun and not a separate passenger but they just rolled their eyes at me.

After arguing with the airline attendants for 10 seconds I knew what had to be done. I looked over at Seamus who looked back at me with the usual gleam in his eye. Seamus looked trusting. He knew I would never hurt him. He knew I would either find a way to get him on the plane or exit the plane myself.

“I have to go to the bathroom”, I told Seamus, who looked a little puzzled since he knew I just went before trying to board the plane. I smiled reassuringly at Seamus while I turned towards the bathroom and picked up my pace. Every noise in the airport seemed amplified at that moment. The woman slurping her iced latte, the businessman flipping pages of his newspaper, the clacking of shoes, it was all unbearably loud. Seamus was humming an Irish River Dance song in my ear. I started to jog towards the bathroom because I just wanted it all to be over.

I ran into a stall and slammed the door behind me. I crouched down in front of the toilet as Seamus stopped humming. He slowly turned his head toward me with widened eyes. At that point I removed Seamus from my shoulder for the first time in a whole year and shoved him in the toilet. Seamus is only about the size of my hand and never learned how to swim so he started drowning. The last words I said to him were “Irish you could have lived, I really do!” before pulling the lever and flushing him down.

I stood up and composed myself then walked back to the gate. Every step without my emotional support leprechaun I grew increasingly unstable.  The airline attendant asked, “Where’s your leprechaun?” but I just glared at her and shook my head. How dare they be so unreasonable? How dare they leave me literally no other choice but to flush my beloved emotional support leprechaun down a toilet? I took my seat and ordered a Guinness from the drink cart. Seamus used to love Guinness, I thought to myself. Then I cracked open the can, propped my feet up on the seat in front of me, and Googled “How to sue a major airline company.”

NRA Makes Move to Arm Nation’s Class Hamsters

There is a proposal in the works to put guns in the hands of class pets around the nation. The obvious answer to ending gun violence in schools is arming every living being in the classroom that’s not a student. The National Rifle Association believes putting guns in the furry paws of class pets is just what the nation needs to keep its children safe.

In order to discover what class pets think of the proposal I went to Turner Elementary school and talked to their class hamster, Kenny. When I arrived Kenny appeared very stressed. He was running like mad on his hamster wheel. I tentatively approached him and asked how he felt about packing heat at school.


Q. So Kenny, what was your initial reaction to hearing about the proposal to arm class pets in schools?

“Well the way I see it, there are pro’s and con’s to the situation. One major pro is that I’ve been promised extra treats if I hold a firearm at school. You see, I’m criminally underpaid as a class pet. Sometimes the kids even forget to feed me. But on the con side, I’m a hamster and I’ve never shot a gun in my life.”


Q. What are you concerned about when it comes to being armed in your classroom?

“I’m worried how students will react to me if they see me packing a pistol. I worry they’ll be afraid of me, when I was once their beloved pet. Of course sometimes the kids drive me crazy and I imagine what it would be like to take one out but I would never actually do it. Well, maybe Sean who picks me up and shakes me like a Coke can at least twice a day. But other than that there is not a single child in this class that I would want to kill.”


Q. So you’re worried the students will see you differently?

“Sure. Class pets are supposed to be things students can trust. I wouldn’t want to cast a dark shadow over the classroom by possessing a deadly weapon. Anytime a student came to talk or snuggle with me they would know I had the ability to kill them. I wouldn’t feel right fulfilling my duties as a class pet knowing that I have a weapon just a paw away.

I’m also concerned because I have a lot of friends who are class pets who I wouldn’t necessarily want to arm. A close friend of mine is the class rabbit over at Springfield middle school. I would never want her packing a gun, she’s way too jumpy.”


Q. Don’t you think it would be a good experience to be cross trained in two professions?

“When I went to school to be a class pet I never thought I would be asked to carry a gun. If I wanted to shoot people, I would have become a hamster cop like my brother Terry. If I decided to take up a second career it wouldn’t be law enforcement, it would be Pilates instructor. Hamsters are extremely flexible and we have a lot to teach the world about how to properly move their limbs.”


Q. With proper training, do you think you’d be able to stop a gunman with an AR-15?

“I could run every day on this hamster wheel and be in tip top shape and still not feel equipped to stop a person with an assault rifle. Even with the proposed 132 hours of training I don’t feel like I would be equipped to carry a fire arm.”


Q, What exactly is your role in this classroom?

“Lately I’ve transitioned into an emotional support hamster for these kids. They’re all nervous and stressed out.  Maybe instead of guns we should buy every single student an emotional support hamster. That way some of their mental health issues could be addressed and I wouldn’t have to be squeezed until my eyes bug out of my head by 25 different sets of hands. Plus, no child feels like shooting up a school after stroking the soft fur of an emotional support hamster. #HamstersNotHandguns.”


Q. Where do you think President Trump is coming from when he suggests arming class pets?

“I hear our president talk a lot about “hardening” our schools but I wonder how I, a creature so soft, could possibly harden anything. Maybe we should consider “hardening” our curriculum and investing more in education. After all we are falling further and further behind China every year.

I know my hamster brain is only the size of a chickpea but even I can tell these American kids need a better education. The first thing American children learn in school is their second amendment rights. Last week a girl named Kimmy recited the 2nd amendment but she couldn’t spell the word tomato.”


Q. Do you feel you have a safe place to store your gun when you’re not using it?

“To be frank, no. I’m a public school class pet. I don’t have the fancy schmancy cages of prep school class hamsters. I have one cold cage that seems like it was built for a dwarf hamster. I don’t even have any toys or tubes to run around in. But they want me to secure a pistol that’s almost as big as my cage itself.

I tweeted at Donald Trump to ask if he would be making miniature sized pistols to accommodate class pets and he tweeted back. “No, when I do something, I do it bigly. All class pets will be carrying hooman sized guns”


Q. He said hooman instead of human?

“He said hooman.”


Q. What gives you, a class pet, any right to weigh in on the issue?

“You know, that is a good question. When it comes to arming class pets I don’t think we should listen to class pets at all. I am actually shocked you came here asking my opinion in the first place.”


Q. Well, a lot has been said today Kenny. I want to let you get back to your job but first could you summarize your thoughts on this issue?

“So I guess to answer your question, no I don’t want the responsibility of being armed in school. But if you wanted to start paying class pets a decent wage I wouldn’t complain. After all, we’re spending all day enhancing the lives of America’s youth. I think that’s worth something even if we don’t have guns in our hands.  Maybe just a few extra yogurt bites?”

A Letter to Floridians from the Sun

To: Floridians

From: CEO of Florida, The Sun

Subject: Downsizing and Demanding More Respect

Dear Floridians,

Listen up! The date is officially March 1st which kicks off Florida Summer. As you know we don’t celebrate Spring here. We only have two seasons: Basically Summer and Summer, and we are now in the Summer season of 2018.

It has come to my attention that this state of mine, The Sunshine State, could use some downsizing. Downsizing can be such a shady business. As the sun, I don’t want to be put in the position of doing anything shady. That being said, I’m going to use this summer to push you to your limits. I’m going to turn up the heat to see if I can weed out any weak links. At least if you quit the Florida lifestyle on your own I don’t have to pay any severance packages.

As CEO of the sunshine state, I expect full loyalty from my Floridians. I want to create a positive company culture here in Florida. I’m not saying you have to worship me but a little respect for your boss would be nice. I’m tired of hearing your complaints about me. Even your compliments about me being “too hot” or “too bright” are starting to sound like insults. I know that I shine so much brighter than you and that can be intimidating, but you don’t have to lash out just because you feel inferior.

If you’re tired of me breathing down your neck now just wait. The days are getting longer and longer. I’m going to be working extra hours, ensuring my Floridians know who’s boss. If you don’t like this state, go ahead and leave. There are a million retirees who would kill for a property here.

My first test of your loyalty will be cranking up the heat and seeing how you all react.
Some of you will be foolish enough to go swimming in my lakes and be attacked by alligators. Others will trip over your own flip flop, fall into a sink hole, and disappear forever.

My second test of your loyalty will be sending my dear friends, The Hurricanes, to knock out your A/C and see how you handle me then. Do you not think I read your Twitter accounts? I see your tweets after 22 minutes of no air conditioning. Proclaiming to the world you can’t handle me, the Florida sun, any longer. Leave then, Cynthia! This has been a test and you have failed.

My third test of your loyalty will be scorching your pasty skin. I see you on your vacation to South Beach, slathering on SPF 180 as if it will help shield you from me. My rays have already done irreparable damage to your skin through the blinds of your hotel room.

I will beat down on you so hard that some of you will crack under the pressure. The hotter I get the crazier you all get. I love to watch the mass chaos ensue in Disney World when it’s 102 degrees. Mom’s will clobber each other over the head to get a Pineapple Dole Whip in Magic Kingdom.

This summer will test you Floridians in ways you didn’t know you could be tested.
I will burn you in the time it takes to walk from your car to the entrance of Walmart.
I will make you invest in 17 pairs of sunglasses because you keep losing them.
I will melt your popsicle to the ground before you can take a second lick.
I will completely ruin every outdoor event you try to go to in July.
I will send you to the hospital when you touch your seat belt after leaving me to watch your car all day.
I will give you freckles in places you didn’t even know you had skin.
I will pierce through any sleep mask you attempt to wear and wake you up every morning.
I will make your thighs stick together in your jorts.

After this summer, some of you will want to move to Seattle and never see me again. You won’t even want to order your eggs sunny side up because it will remind you of me.

Whoever is left cradling a Publix sub, sweating pellets of Gatorade, and stroking their pet palmetto bug at the end of the summer is a true Floridian. You’re welcome to retain your position in the Sunshine State. You can continue decorating your palm trees with Christmas lights and playing croquet with flamingos.

After Summer 2018, I promise to ease up a bit for the “Basically Summer” season. I’ll give you time to apply your aloe vera and I’ll cut back on my hours. You just have to make it through this one wet, hot, Floridian summer to prove to me that you belong here.

Best of luck,
Your boss, The Sun

I Asked My Grandpa to Define Popular Slang Terms

Slang has come a long way since the days of “good golly” and “gee whiz.”

Millennials have invented so many words that should not be words. We have forced the dictionary to adhere to our foolishness, shoving in words like “selfie” and “photobomb.” Baby Boomers can officially add “they’re debasing the English language!” to their long list of Millennial grievances alongside; “they’re lazy!” and “they won’t move out of my basement!”

My Grandfather is one of the smartest people I know. With a Phd in Psychology and 91 years of life behind him, it’s safe to say he knows more than most people.  With that in mind, I wanted to see how well he would do at decoding “Millennial speak.” I asked him to define the slang terms on this list without giving him any context. He had never heard of a single one of them, but he was able to get a few right.

Below I will present to you the definition of these slang terms straight from the most reliable site on the web, Urbandictionary.com, along with what my grandpa thought these words meant.

1) Froyo: 

Urban Dictionary definition:”basically this is a shortened term for frozen yoghurt but sounds wicked kool”

Grandpa’s definition: “Froyo is the name of a chicken dish. Probably more like the chicken breast  than a leg.”

2) Trill: 

Urban Dictionary definition:”Being true + real = trill”

Grandpa’s definition: “A word that describes jeweled earlobes.”

3) On fleek:

Urban Dictionary definition: “Slang term used by uncultured idiots to describe perfection.”

Grandpa’s definition: “I think that would have to do with something that has extreme precision.”

4) “Salty”:

Urban Dictionary definition: “The act of being upset, angry, or bitter as result of being made fun of or embarrassed.”

Grandpa’s definition: “A bold and adventurous mode of life. Aboard a ship somebody would be salty.”

5) “Throwing shade”:

Urban Dictionary definition:”The act of talking shit to or about another.”

Grandpa’s definition: “Has to do with extreme subtlety.”

6) “Lit”:

Urban Dictionary definition: “When something is turned up or popping.”

Grandpa’s definition:”That was successful, that’s a good outcome. Cheers.”

7) “Turnt”:

Urban Dictionary definition:”Like hype for a party, or at the club!”

Grandpa’s definition: “Something playful. Lightness, playfulness. A giggle.”

8) “Cray”:

Urban Dictionary definition:”short for crazy, it means crazy in a good way, like crazy wild, not like crazy loony bin.

Grandpa’s definition: “See you later” Adios. I’ll be seeing you. An expression of departure”

9) “Squad Goals”:

Urban dictionary definition: “When you literally have no friends but see a group of friends on Instagram, you find that they’re your squad goal because you want to be with them.”

Grandpa’s definition:  “…I don’t know but it sounds pretentious.”

10) “Woke”:

Urban Dictionary definition: “Getting woke is like being in the Matrix and taking the red pill. You get a sudden understanding of what’s really going on and find out you were wrong about much of what you understood to be truth.”

Grandpa’s definition: “You mean like, ‘I woke up’?. I’m conscious.”

11) “Extra”:

Urban Dictionary definition: “Doing the absolute damn most. For no reason.”

Grandpa’s definition: “Flagrant. Faking it. Being theatrical about it.”

12) “Friend zone”:

Urban Dictionary definition: “A particularly aggravating metaphorical place, that people end up in when someone they are interested in only wants to be friends.”

Grandpa’s definition: “Partial togetherness, you’re in the neighborhood of togetherness.”


13) “Side hustle”:

Urban Dictionary definition: “Sideline that brings in cash; something other than your main job. Maybe playing weekend gigs or life coaching. SELLING AMWAY IS NOT A SIDE HUSTLE — it’s just a stupid way to alienate your friends.”

Grandpa’s definition: “An almost movement. It partakes a motion but not quite.”

14) “Spilling Tea”:

Urban Dictionary definition: “What upset white people do” or “Telling the truth about something/someone to other people.”

Grandpa’s definition:  “Exaggerating something.”

15) “Bye Felicia”:

Urban Dictionary definition: “An expression used to dismiss someone. This person is usually irrelevant and annoying.”

Grandpa’s definition: “I don’t know who Felicia is. Carrie, that’s absurd.”


How I Found Love on the Trump Dating Website

Before yesterday I had never tried online dating in my life. When a friend sent me the link to Trump.dating.com I was apprehensive. With today’s political climate I’m embarrassed to even wear my “Hillary for Prison” t- shirt outside, much less set up a profile declaring my love for Donald Trump.  After some convincing I decided the chance of finding my political soul mate far outweighed any fears I had. So I dusted off my MAGA hat, took a profile picture, and launched my Trump Dating Profile.

24 hours later and I am in the healthiest relationship of my life with a man I found on the site. I want to encourage anyone who’s thinking of trying Trump Dating to do so. I’m going to walk you step-by-step through how I found love on Trump.Dating.com and you can too.

Pick a Quality Username

The first thing you must do is pick a catchy username that reflects what you’re looking for. I went with “Search4MrWhite” as it describes exactly what I’m trying to do on the site! Being honest and up front about your username will attract the white kinds of people to you.

Choose Your Team

The next step in setting up your online Trump Dating profile is to choose your team. I was absolutely thrilled to see the only two options for your sexual identity were “straight man” or “straight woman”.

I know gay marriage was legalized three years ago in the United States but I never wanted to acknowledge it and now I don’t have to!  I’m so excited to find a platform that honors my hetero-normative lifestyle.

Set Up Your Profile

Now that all of the gays have been weeded out through a preliminary screening, it’s time to set up your profile. You will be asked to identify a number of features about yourself including ethnicity, height, hair color, eye color, and body type.

Once I saw the drop down menu for the ethnicity option my beating white heart nearly burst with joy.

It’s so nice as a white person to have the opportunity to classify my white heritage. I’m more than just the color “white” after all! I will admit that I was confused about what I should put in this section. After all, my heritage is so rich and diverse. I consider myself white/Caucasian but on the other hand I’m 4/16ths Scandinavian and 3/4ths Western European. In the end I went with the white/Caucasion option. I was delighted to finally find a website that gave me, a white person, more options to express my background!

You’ll also be happy to know that when choosing your hair and eye color, traditional Aryan features are listed at the top. This makes locating blue eyes and blonde hair super easy and convenient, thanks Trump Dating.

Explore the Thousands of Amazing 100% Straight Men

After your profile is up you’re ready to start the hunt.

I decided to narrow down my search to: “Straight man. Any Age. Anywhere.”

Unfortunately Trump Dating doesn’t have a “swipe” option. There are so many great candidates for your love that you’ll want to swipe through and view them all quickly. However, the site forces you to take your time and read each profile carefully.

Try Some Trump-centric Pick Up Lines

Whenever you use any dating app it’s important you target your pick up lines to your audience.

For instance, if you were on FarmersOnly.com you might try the line, “I have three hoes in the shed, but I could always use one more.”

When you’re on Trump.Dating.com you have to cater your opening lines to other people who love Donald J. Trump. I’ve outlined some suggestions that worked great for me:

“I’d like to give you a small loan of one million dollars… and my heart”

“I want to date you as much as Trump wants to date his daughter”

“Are you in the top 1%? Because I care about you a lot more than anyone else!”

“Hey there, there are rumors that you have really tiny hands. Care to prove them wrong?”

“Our relationship will be as secure as the Mexican border once the wall goes up”

“Speaking of that. The wall isn’t the only thing I want to see go up this year”

Choose One Lucky Guy

As you can probably tell from Trump’s three marriages and numerous extramarital affairs, he and his followers are serial monogamists.

This means you’ll have to choose just one of the truly amazing men on this site. After dropping the pick up lines mentioned above, you’ll have dozens of men vying for your attention. I’ll give you a few of the bachelor’s who are waiting for you upon your arrival at Trump.dating.com

Bachelor # 1) IWantaTrumpBaby

Looking to have kids right away? Want to make sure the first word out of their mouth is MAGA? This guy could be a great choice!

Bachelor # 2) Petlover451

With the username Petlover451, I am honestly not sure if this man is describing a human or a Lassie. But if you are willing to yap ocassionally it’s possible he won’t tell the difference.

Bachelor #3) makeJRgreatagain



The bar is set really low here, ladies. All you have to do is not take his guns away!

Bachelor #4) ThatGirlLovesMe

This username sounds like something you say right after the cops find a teenager tied up in your basement. Ignoring that, he is yearning for your love.

Bachelor #5) ScrantonCase78

That’s right folks, Toby Flenderson was spotted on TrumpDating.com. If that doesn’t attest to the high quality of man on this site then I don’t know what will.

Bachelor # 6) Trumpuniversity

For all those who love failed business models and exploiting students out of their money. You’ve found your dream guy in Trumpuniversity.

Bachelor #7) Crownmekingmaga

Ladies out there who love the alpha type will get along great with King MAGA.



Live happily ever after with trump datng

Thanks to Trump.dating.com I met 619SugarDaddy and we fell in love.

Our relationship is exactly like Melania and Donald Trump’s in that they are both based entirely in love and not about the money at all. Trump Dating has brought me so much happiness, and I want to share that joy with you.

Don’t delay, sign up today and be a part of MDGA, making dating great again.

7 Stupid News Stories that Will Make You Feel Like a Genius

Are you feeling bad about yourself today? Do you feel like you just can’t do anything right lately? It’s easy to be hard on yourself and over-analyze your actions. No matter how badly you think you’ve messed up, it’s nothing compared to the people in these stupid news stories.

When you’re feeling down about your own life one thing you can always do is turn to the news. Your life instantly seems better in comparison to the people in most news stories. The news stories below just happen to be filled with incredibly stupid people and scenarios that should make you feel like Einstein himself.

1) Apple Employees Can’t STop Walking into Glass Walls

Seems like the Genius bar isn’t home to many geniuses. Apple employees keep walking straight into the glass walls of their new headquarters like drunken pigeons.

To fix the issue Apple, the most lucrative tech company in the world, is placing sticky notes on the walls that people are walking into most often. Sticky notes are the grand solution to this problem. Maybe they should use the 8 trillion dollars they make every second to build themselves some real walls.

When is the last time you walked straight into a cubicle at work? Never? See, you don’t need some fancy tech job. You’re already winning.

2) British are calling the police over KFC being closed

KFC recently closed half of it’s UK locations down due to “operational issues” and the British public are losing their minds.

Other countries can’t handle fast food issues like Americans can. We are prepared for closures. We face the heart wrenching closure of Chick-fil-a every Sunday but we adapt and overcome by going to a different chain instead.

When KFC is closed in the UK there is no where for them to turn. Since KFC opened in the UK, the residents have eaten nothing but fried chicken drumsticks. What are they supposed to do without it? Eat authentic British cuisine like mushy peas or “haggis”? No wonder people are calling the police, they’re starving!

3) China calls for crackdown on “funeral strippers”

I don’t know about you, but nothing gets me in the mood to see a half naked lady like a dead relative.

Apparently hiring strippers is the only way to get men to show up for anything, including the mourning of loved ones. It is common practice in certain rural Chinese villages to hire strippers to dance at funerals.

Funeral attendance will be at an all time low as Chinese government cracks down on hiring funeral strippers. You mean there won’t be boobs there?

4) Georgia man force fed cocaine to his goat

It’s nice of Georgia man to give Florida man a day off from news coverage.

A Georgia man just wanted to share his favorite hobbies with his “kid”, but it turned out baaaaah-dly.

The ranch hand in Georgia tried to shove cocaine up a goat’s nose while his friend poured whiskey down the goat’s mouth. The main issue with this story is a lack of consent. What the man should have done is set up a line of coke for the goat and offered it to him civilly.

*Disclaimer*: The goat made it out fine and is now up for adoption.

5) Georgia woman burns 19 houses down after divorce

Hell hath no fury like a woman who loses her house.

After losing her house in a divorce, a Georgia woman set it ablaze screaming, “If I can’t have this house no one can!” She then picked up her two cats and walked to the nearest Walmart where she decided to report the crime. By that time 19 other houses in the neighborhood were damaged or destroyed.

From now on, judges will rule that houses can’t go entirely to one partner or the other. Instead a line will have to be drawn straight down the middle with duct tape a la any 80’s movie where two siblings shared one room.

6) Teens sneak vaping devices into schools

I think your teacher might notice when you start sucking on your pencil sharpener, Susie.

Teens in Chicago schools are sneaking vaping devices in through objects that look like USB ports, high lighters, and tubes of lipstick.

Teachers and faculty are at a loss for what to do about this problem. Detecting these devices will be nearly impossible. Especially when little clouds of smoke start coming out of kids Sharpies.

7) Flight had to land early due to excessive farting

You’ve heard of babies who won’t stop crying on planes. Now get ready for grown men who won’t stop farting.

A man aboard a flight from Dubai to Amsterdam would not stop loudly passing gas, even when nearby passengers started complaining. Two other men on the plane decided they would punch the wind out of him and a brawl broke out, causing the plane to have to land early.

It remains unclear if the man’s farting was out of rudeness or a a result of the stuffed camel he ate in Dubai on hump day. (Yes, that is a real dish).

Next time your wife complains about you passing gas just show her this news article. At least you’ve never had to make a plane land because you wouldn’t stop farting.

Enjoy these stupid news stories

Take these news stories and hold them in your heart for times when you need to feel like a genius.

Even on your darkest day you can remember that you don’t walk into walls, hire strippers for your funerals, or land flights with your flatulence.

Pocket Dictionary of Winter Olympics Terms

The 2018 Winter Olympics are upon us. NBC is really excited. The 2018 Winter Olympians are really excited. Show of hands, Is anyone else really excited?

I understand that the Winter Olympics are a special time when the great nations of this world can huddle in groups and freeze together. It’s also the one occasion every four years where Mike Pence can sit near a woman who’s not his wife in public.

That being said, I try to avoid watching the Winter Olympics if at all possible. I’m a Floridian and I shiver just looking at snow on TV.

Whether you care about the Winter Olympics or not, you’re probably finding yourself stuck in random conversations about them. Maybe your girl can’t stop talking about how she “always wanted to be a figure skater,” and she keeps throwing words at you like “quadruple axel.” Or maybe your boss asked you what you thought of that Twizzle last night and you wondered how he knew you were up late eating licorice candy.

It’s possible I don’t care for the Winter Olympics because I don’t understand them. If you’re in the same boat (or sled) you’ve stumbled across the right article. I’ll be giving you a list of Winter Olympics terms so you can glide through your next conversation and win the gold.

1) Skeleton

What I thought it meant: A collection of bones inside most animals.

What it really means: A winter sliding sport in which a person rides a small sled, known as a skeleton bobsled, down a frozen track while lying face down and head-first.

Who in their right mind is going to lay down on a mat and slide down an icy slope HEAD FIRST? If something happens to fall on the track have fun ramming into it with your SKULL. Did they name this event “skeleton” because the first few times people tried it their skeleton was all that was left of them?

2) Salchow

What I thought it meant: Diner slang for salmon chowder. I.e. “Luke we need an order of salchow stat!”

What it really means: A jump in which the skater leaps from the back inside edge of one skate, making one full rotation of the body in the air, and lands on the back outside edge of the other skate.

3) Slalom

What I thought it meant: A Jewish greeting akin to Shalom!

What it really means: A ski race down a course marked by flags.

4) Twizzle

What I thought it meant: An affectionate nickname for the licorice candy, the Twizzler.

What it really means: A multirotational one-foot turn in figure skating.

Fo Twizzle my nizzle.

5) Icing

What I thought it meant: Either a delicious topping on a cake, a jewelry store for tweens, or the act of kneeling before someone with a Smirnoff ice.

What it really means: “A defensive maneuver in hockey, happens when a player shoots the puck from the defensive half of the rink over the opponent’s goal line, but not into the goal, in order to keep the puck out of the reach of attacking opponents”

6) Luge

What I thought it meant: A common typo in Donald Trump’s “It’s gonna be HUGE” tweets.

What it really means: A light toboggan for one or two people, ridden in a sitting or supine position.

7) Chicken Salad

What I thought it meant: A disgusting combination of chicken, mayonnaise, and whatever else you have in your kitchen. Recently made popular to eat in restaurants by the offensive chain, Chicken Salad Chick.

What it really means: A snowboarding trick shot.

8) Curling

What I thought it meant: The process of wrapping ones hair around a curling iron OR engaging the biceps with dumbbells.

What it really means: “A game played on ice, especially in Scotland and Canada, in which large, round, flat stones are slid across the surface toward a mark.”

Ask me how this is different than hockey in the comments. I dare you.

9) Double Cork:

What I thought it meant: When you’re getting ready for a bomb wine night with your closest friends and you know one bottle won’t be enough so you pop the cork out of two bottles at once.

What it really means: An in-air stunt in which a snowboard does two rotations before landing.

10)  McTwist

What I thought it meant: An alternate universe version of the Mcdonald’s Mcflurry, except three times as delicious and the machine is never broken.

What it really means: An aerial snowboarding move where the rider performs an “inverted backside 540.”

Use these winter olympics terms wisely

Now that you’ve been given a list of Winter Olympics terms you’ll probably want to show off your knowledge. Be sure to pace yourself, you don’t have to use all ten words at once. There’s no need to dive head first into your next conversation like a crazed Skeleton Olympian.

But at least now when you feel a lull in conversation you can talk about that sweet Chicken Salad trick shot you saw on TV and blend in just fine.

4 Signs Girl Scout Cookies are Actually The Devil

Since the beginning of time women have been tempting men, leading them into sin. It started in Genesis with the forbidden fruit and it continues today with the Girl Scout cookie. However, Satan has gotten smarter since Biblical times. He knows that nobody in obesity- stricken America eats fruit anymore.  He now packages his evil in colored boxes with cute names like “Tag-alongs” and “Savannah Smiles.”

The month is February. Satan’s evil, disguised as boxes of girl scout cookies, has crept its way into the homes of nearly every American. Greedily we feast on box after box of these delicious crumpets of evil. Unaware that we are literally eating the devil.

Think of how you feel right after eating a full box of girl scout cookies in one sitting. Do you feel light and ready to tackle your day or do you feel bogged down by the weight of sin? You probably thought that it was sugar and carbs weighing you down, but I am here to tell you that is the devil himself. Read on for 4 reasons girl scout cookies are evil:

1) Girl scout cookies are Manufactured to Break Your New Year’s Resolutions:

You’re telling me it’s a coincidence these puppies are released in mid-February? Six weeks into the year and suddenly millions of boxes of sugary deliciousness start raining from the sky. People are still going strong with their resolutions in mid-February.. Every single year America is on it’s way to becoming the healthiest nation in the world and then girl scout cookies come along and ruin it. Girl scout cookies are clearly a ploy by the Devil to keep America fat and slow.

2) Girl scout cookies are Sexist:

Have you ever taken a pause to look at your girl scout cookie box before tearing into it like a wild animal? If you did, you’d notice there is not a single boy on those boxes. They’re always covered in girls kayaking together or laughing around a campfire. It’s obvious that girl scouts are a bunch of misandrists. When will this country start teaching little boys that they can do whatever they set their minds to? When will it be the boys turn to be featured smiling on the backs of our cookie boxes?

3) girl scout cookies are Body-Shaming:

We’ve already established that girl scouts hate men, but they also hate fat people. Thin-mints, really? You couldn’t have called them “ Healthy BMI- mints” or “Pear Shaped-mints”? Satan is trying to perpetuate the ideal “thin” body size that is so rampant in today’s media. And he is doing this WHILE making people fat with how delicious girl scout cookies are.

4) girl scout cookies are Targeting our Weakest Links:

Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” 1 Peter 5:8. The Devil knew exactly where his girl scout cookies would sell best. Last week, a girl started selling cookies in front of a marijuana dispensary. She sold 300 boxes in 6 hours. Ask yourself, is this 9 year old a mastermind of cookie marketing or was this the hand of the Devil?

The evil looms everywhere

A few months ago a girl scout moved in with her family across the street in my neighborhood. Ever since I have felt a sinister cloud settle over my block.

It feels like she is always watching me, waiting for a time when I look hungry enough to pounce. I know there are girl scout cookie boxes by the dozen in the back of her mom’s mini van, I sense them. They’re pulling me in like Gollum to his precious ring. Soon I will loose all power to resist; and I too will be filled with the crumbs of the devil.

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I’ve Decided to Have a Baby so I Can be a Mommy Blogger

Everyone loves mommy blogs. Mommy blogs are like the superhero movies of the blogging world. People can’t look away from the action packed life of the mom. Mommy blogs cover everything from new gluten-free cookie recipes to creative ways to make babies stop crying that don’t involve suffocation.

I’m convinced everyone who has a mommy blog is a successful blogger. New moms are so scared out of their minds about having to take care of another human life that they all band together on the internet and support each other’s blogs. There is no community on earth more tightly knit than mommy bloggers.

I will not let anything stand in my way of blogging stardom. Therefore, I’ve decided to have a baby for the express purpose of running a mommy blog. My child, boy or girl, will be named SEO. Later in life when he or she asks me why they are named SEO I will tell them lovingly that “improving my SEO is the reason they’re in this world.” And then I will blog about their adorable question. Once my baby SEO is born I will launch my blog entitled, “SEO Says Hello!”.

Since I am a millennial, the mommy problems I face will be different than those of older generations. But don’t worry, I have already done some brainstorming.

Millennial Mommy blog post ideas:

  1. Which Handheld Electronic Device Will Make Your Child STFU the Longest?
  2. What To Do When Your Child Says Your Hipster Record Collection is Outdated
  3. Help! People Won’t Stop Making Fun of my Son For Being Named SEO
  4. My Teen Looks Exactly Like me and She Opened my Iphone X with her Face and Saw my Porn Collection
  5. I Bought Too Much Avodaco Toast and Now Me and My Child are Homeless
  6. How To Respond When Your Three Year Old Son Says he Doesn’t Want to Wear Millennial Pink Every Day.
  7. Embrace the Tiny House Movement: Why You Should Move your Family of 9 into a Tiny House
  8. I Gave my Child a Participation Trophy for Pooping in the Toilet
  9. Confessions: I started a Subreddit to Gossip About the Other Moms at my Kid’s School
  10. Flavorless, Allergen Free Recipes for Your Child’s next birthday party

Now with my ideas in order I just have to overcome the small hurdle of finding a man who’s supportive of letting us name our child SEO. Of course, I will need to stay home with SEO 24/7 so I can blog all of our mommy and me activities.

SEO will make no movements that aren’t recorded on my mommy blog. On days when she is interesting and does “blog worthy” things she will be rewarded. Some days she will be boring  and will tell me she’s tired of being watched like a paramecium under a microscope. She will say she “just wants to watch Sesame Street in peace”, but I will remind her of why I brought her into this world.

When the time comes, SEO will name her own son or daughter “Traffic”, and the cycle of using our children to increase traffic to our blogs will carry on for generations.

The Year of the (Dwarf) Dog

Happy Chinese New Year and the beginning of the Year of the Dog! There’s no better pet than a dog, and there’s no better dog than a corgi.

Don’t believe me? Corgi is Welsh for “dwarf dog”, making corgis the Tyrion Lannisters of the real world. But that’s not the only thing that makes them special, corgis are like walking loafs of happiness.

There are so many obvious attributes that make corgis lovable from their little legs to their always smiling faces. But there are also some quirky facts about corgis that you may not know about.

CORGIS Were the battle horses of fairies-

According to Welsh legend, fairies rode on the backs of corgis into battle. The colored markings on corgi’s backs are said to be the remnants of fairy saddles.

Close your eyes and imagine corgis with armed woodland fairies on their backs charging at each other. Amazing.

Corgis are the 11th Smartest Dog Breed-

In a 1994 study of 110 dog breeds corgis ranked 11th in intelligence. Now I know what you’re thinking. “Why brag about being the 11th smartest?” Well, when you think about it, the 11th smartest dog is a pretty good spot to be in. You don’t want a dog that is so intelligent he’s going to start a mutiny. You want a dog that is smart enough to know he’s smart, but still not so smart that he’s no longer humble.

The last thing you want is your corgi up at 4am tweeting that his two greatest assets are his “mental stability” and “being like, really smart”.

Corgis star in disney movies-

Not every dog breed can say it has been Disney-fied. Dalmatians aren’t the only barkers on the block when it comes to Disney movies.

Little Dog Lost is a Disney movie about a little corgi named Candy who **spoiler alert** gets lost. If you want to know more, you’ll have to watch the movie. Buckle up, it’s a wild ride.

Corgis are royalty-

There’s a reason the Queen of England doesn’t have peasant poodles or average afghans. Corgis are simply better, and the Queen’s corgis are the most pampered dogs on the planet.

The queen’s corgis have a better lifestyle than I could ever hope for. They sleep on wicker beds that have fresh sheets daily. They dine on organic steaks that are hand delivered to them by a footman. The queen herself is known to pour gravy over their meal before they eat. You have to go through a full health screening for genetic diseases before getting within 100 yards of them, much less petting them. They are brushed with 24 karat gold hairbrushes. They only have play dates with other pure-bred corgis. At least half of these facts are true.

Corgis have a word dedicated to the way they lay down-

The world loves corgis so much that they named the adorable way that corgis lay down.

“Sploot” is the slang word for how a corgi lays with his two hind legs sticking out behind him. Only a dog as absurdly cute as a corgi could start the sploot movement.

If you have a corgi you’re probably guilty of sitting around the living room yelling “sploot!” or “half sploot” when you see your corgi laying this way. If you don’t have a corgi, you probably don’t know what I’m talking about. But trust me, it’s real. There are t shirts.

corgis put on the cutest races

Sure, you could watch traditionally fast dogs like greyhounds race and have a pretty decent time.

Or you could watch short, chubby corgis run a few yards, call it a “race” and have the best time you’ve had all year. Corgi races are magical events. Typically at least one corgi per heat gets confused and runs off track, or turns around and goes back to the starting line to check in with their owner about what they should be doing. Plus, the corgis are so cute you don’t care which one wins.

Happy Year of the (Dwarf) dog

Let’s all use this year to celebrate doggos big and small, but especially corgis.

Have other corgi facts? Want to tell me what makes your dog special? Please do so in the comments.