List: How Notre Dame burning affects me, a wealthy American who visited Paris once

Bonjour! I went on a three week European excursion in 2010 and I am now DEVASTATED by the news of Notre Dame burning. Here are all the reasons I haven’t left my mansion out of grief since seeing the fire:  

1.My childhood crush was on Quasimodo. I mean Hunchback of Notre DAMN, am I right?

2. My Ancestry.com DNA results say I’m 13.2% French. Those are MY people!

3. I have 93 Eiffel Tower figurines in one room of my home.

4. My high school French teacher described my accent as, “décent” (FYI: that means decent )

5. The Paris pavilion is my favorite stop at Epcot.

6. Notre Dame is in the background of three of my top performing Instagram posts.

7. I  never tip waiters because in France you don’t have to!

8. My Patronus is a Gargoyle.

9. A pigeon shat on my Nutella crêpe in front of Notre Dame but I still ate it.

10. I have 10 toasty baguettes where my fingers should be.

Elizabeth Warren Changes Name to “E. Warren” in Hopes No One Will Notice She’s Female

Following in the footsteps of J.K. Rowling, Elizabeth Warren has legally changed her name to E. Warren in order to appeal to a wider audience. Since making the switch to a more neutral name, E. Warren has surged in the polls. Within days of the switch, newcomer E. Warren is the clear Democratic front runner for president.

“E. Warren might be the most electable politician in modern history,” claims moderate news outlet that was bashing Elizabeth Warren just last week.

Bernie Bros have been ripping all the letters off their 2016 Bernie Sanders t-shirts so now they just read “E.”

“E stands for easy, which is what your life will be if you vote for me in 2020!” Warren bellowed to a cheering crowd at an already sold out rally. E’s voice was described by rally goers as “a deep baritone, and not at all shrill.” Her clothing choice of a plain blue button-up shirt with black pants was not commented on at all.   

Warren recently released a DNA test that revealed she’s only 1% female anyway.
           

“This is the first time in my life I’ve gone two whole days without being compared to Hillary Clinton,” E told us in an exclusive interview. “Elizabeth is dead and things are about to get eeeeeeeven better,” Warren said emphasizing the E’s.

Seeing E’s success, Kirsten Gillibrand and Kamala Harris are dueling over the right to use the letter K.  Joe Biden was seen crying at his computer as he watches himself fall out of favor among suburban dads who now prefer E. Warren.

Descriptors like “grandmother” and “mother” have disappeared from news stories about Warren and have been replaced with actual pieces of her policy. On Thursday, she reportedly told a male Senator her opinion without being called bossy. Warren plans to put the “E” back in Progressive in 2020.

“Love Actually” Spin-Off Movies About Other Christmas Emotions

Loathe Actually: Called “the most realistic film of 2018,” Loathe, Actually follows 5 different Midwestern Americans as they find themselves snowed in at their in-laws house days after Christmas is over.  Tensions are high. Father-in-laws are snoring. Mother-in-laws are asking prying questions. Mild distaste turns into full-fledged loathing,

Drunk Actually: Human Resources rep Brad Fleming desperately wants to be liked by his coworkers. At the office holiday party people keep making excuses to leave conversations with him. Will the mix of spiked eggnog and his desperate need for approval be his undoing?

Disappointed Actually: 29 year old Katie Carlson has been hearing from her boyfriend for weeks about a “small box” that’s going to “add sparkle” to her Christmas. Will she be able to hide her disappointment when she realizes it’s a miniature replica of the leg lamp from A Christmas Story and not an engagement ring?

Hangry Actually: Teenagers Carlos and Maria have already torn through their Christmas gifts. Stomachs grumbling, they lay on the couch with their feet propped up texting on their new I phones. Their mom is working tirelessly in the kitchen getting an early Christmas dinner ready for them. When she suggests the kids help in the kitchen they snap. Hangry.

Panic Actually: Single dad Joe Meyers has waited until 7pm on December 23rd to do his Christmas shopping. Even Amazon Prime can’t save him now. He’s forced to grab the lists of his three children and run manically through Target throwing any toy he can find in his cart. As he runs through the store yelling, “I need a Switch!” he has flashbacks to his grandfather yelling the same thing for an entirely different reason.

Awkward Actually: It’s Secret Santa time at the office and Angela Gray is given a half-used candle. She’s forced to smile and say she loves it while the entire staff politely pretends they don’t know what “vanilla” smells like and ask to sniff her new candle.

Hallmark Actually: A documentary that seeks to answer the elusive question: Why do all white women of a certain age become obsessed with Hallmark Christmas movies? Neurologists are consulted about how these women can sit through dozens of movies that have identical plot lines and characters without physically feeling their brains melting. Quotes from the Hallmark lover’s interviews include: “Watching a Hallmark movie feels like getting a warm hug,” and “I actually can’t stop.”

Mariah Carey is Sick of “You” and Wants Actual Presents This Year

Mariah Carey, the pop singer behind the Christmas anthem, “All I Want For Christmas is You” finally admits she wants much, much more this year. She hasn’t received a single Christmas gift since the song came out in1994. Since Thanksgiving, the singer has been wracking her brain trying to think of a way to tell people she wants actual gifts.

“I’ve missed TWO DECADES of Christmas presents because of this song,” Carey said. “I didn’t get a furby in 1998, or a Razor scooter in 2000. I didn’t get an Xbox 360 in 2005. Nothing.”

None of Carey’s family and friends have gotten her a Christmas gift since the song released, assuming she already had what she wanted. Nick Cannon, Mariah Carey’s ex husband said he loved Mariah because she was the least materialistic woman he’s ever known.

“Mariah was the best when it came to Christmas. Women are usually a nightmare to shop for, but Mariah didn’t care about the presents underneath the Christmas tree,” Cannon said reminiscing. “All she wanted for Christmas was ME, so that’s what I gave her. All I had to do was stand outside her door and she was happy.

In the North Pole “All I Want For Christmas is You” plays every 45 minutes so even Old St Nick knows not to stop by Mariah Carey’s house.

“Mariah has made the nice list every year because of how selfless she is,” Santa said while dipping a gingerbread cookie into milk. “Even though she’s on the nice list, I respected her wishes and haven’t brought her anything in years.”

Mariah’s mental health has been unraveling more this year. Going to the mall is triggering to her because she knows everyone there is shopping for gifts that she’ll never again receive. She’s terrified this will be her 25thyear without a single Christmas present. No one even invites her to join their Secret Santa gift exchanges.

 Last week she was seen eyeing the gifts under the display Christmas tree at the mall, foaming at the mouth. She reportedly jumped on the mall Santa’s lap, straddled him, and screamed, “PLEASE I’LL DO ANYTHING FOR A REAL PRESENT THIS YEAR.”

As she was led out by mall security she heard her own voice coming through the speaker. “I don’t want a lot for Christmas. There is just one thing I need,” the voice sang at her as she tried in vain to plug her ears.

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them in the Migrant Caravan

At this very moment, thousands of migrants are marching from Honduras, Guatemala, and El Salvador towards the United States border. Reportedly, however, not all of these migrants are from Central America. Indeed, some members of the caravan have flown in from around the world to join the march. One man, snorkel in hand, said he swam from Africa to be part of the caravan.

American citizens need to open their eyes to the horrors this caravan contains. Terrorists from MS-13 are roasting marshmallows to make s’mores for the Guatemalan children at their campsites each night.

You wouldn’t believe what types of criminals lie within this caravan. Witnesses are even calling them “fantastic beasts”. These countries aren’t sending their best. They’re sending murderers, rapists, and Nifflers.

Bowtruckles are latching on to migrant’s clothing, blending in with their camouflage. These sneaky creatures hope to cling on to the migrants JUST long enough for them to hop across the US border undetected.

Huge Erumpets, that are basically horny rhinos, are plowing through the caravan, saving themselves for sweet, white American women. Demiguise are using their powers of invisibility to walk undetected amongst the caravan. Occamys are flying towards the border, hungry for your golden retrievers.

It has been said that George Soros is paying this caravan of beasts with Happy Meals because he wants them to invade the United States. Sources say the first thing he’ll do when the migrants cross the border is register them to vote as Democrats.

With all of these fantastic beasts, the caravan numbers rise to the trillions. America is not safe. People need to start boarding up their windows. Texas needs to evacuate. Every man, woman, and child should be purchasing a gun to defend themselves.  If you hear a knock on the door in the next 6 months, don’t answer it. There’s a 98% chance it’s a fantastic beast from the caravan looking to steal your job at the accounting firm. Murtlaps are amazing mathematicians.

According to Donald Trump, any healthy male between the ages of 18-35 will be sent to fight the caravan. In times like this we need to stick together more than ever, America. They will not replace us. MAHA. Make America Human Again.

 

8 Qualities We’re Looking For in an Unpaid Intern

Great news! Here at BigSmiles Marketing, we are hiring interns for the upcoming spring semester. The position does not pay and will under no circumstances lead to a paid position. However, we are confident that you’ll find our internship program educational and exciting. We’ve outlined below the qualities we look for from our unpaid interns. Also, please keep in mind there is a rigorous vetting process including three phone interviews, five in person interviews, and a Scientology-style personality test.

1) Unlimited Availability

If you’re seeking an internship with our company, you should have 9-5 availability Monday through Friday. This ensures us that you have absolutely zero chance of making money at any other company. You are also expected to be on call during the weekends and evenings in case one of our paid employees needs to vent about their personal lives.

2) Work Ethic

We want interns who are willing to go above and beyond to earn their 0 dollars and 0 cents a week paychecks. You should be ready to put this internship above every other aspect of your life, ESPECIALLY your health.

3) Three Letters of Recommendation from past supervisors

Judging by the fact that you’re willing to work for free, we’re sure you have tons of prior experience. Therefore, we require three letters of recommendation from past supervisors. They should be signed by a Notary Public with a peacock quill.

4) Grip Strength

Interns should carry hand strengtheners around the office with them to make sure they’re up to the challenge of distributing coffee. Knowing how to properly hand out coffee to a room full of paid employees will provide interns with invaluable life skills to better prepare them for the future.

5) At least one prior paid internship

We require our interns to have at least one prior paid internship. We find that people who have tasted the sweet nectar of cash perform better once they’re deprived from it.

6) Moderately good looks

We’re seeking interns who are good looking but not so good looking that they become a distraction. You should be at least a 6, but no higher than an 8. Intern attire will be sensual business casual.

7) Positive attitude

We like our slaves, I mean interns, to have a positive attitude about the work they’re doing.  We try to keep an upbeat company culture and we can’t do that if our slave labor interns aren’t upbeat 100% of the time. It’s easy to have fun here at BigSmiles Marketing! We have a game room stocked with a ping-pong table, video games, and a Foosball table that interns should feel free to keep clean for the paid employees.

8) Virgin Blood

Our unpaid intern must have pure, virginal blood for the end of semester sacrifice. At the end of every internship period, one intern is chosen for a sacrifice! Don’t worry, it looks great on your resume.

Satanists Fight to Keep “Happy” in “Happy Halloween”

Local Satanists Gary Slaughter and Bertha Blackwood are fighting to end the “war on Halloween.” The couple was spotted holding signs written in blood that said “Satanist holidays matter” and “Wish me a Happy Halloween…or else.”

The couple claims they speak for all Satanists when they say the war on Halloween must end. This year, they hope to end the blatant disrespect of their religious holiday. They say that they can feel the public losing interest in Halloween each year.

“I’m tired of walking into a store on Halloween and the cashier simply saying ‘hello’,” Blackwood said. “It is Halloween, the day I sacrifice my cat to the devil with my bare hands and then give candy to your children. It is insulting that people don’t recognize how important this holiday is to us.”

“Last year, I went to Target and brought 10 whole bags of Halloween candy, a voodoo doll, and pins  to the register. It was obvious I was planning to celebrate the holiday, but the cashier had the NERVE to simply say ‘have a nice day’ to me as I left,” said Slaughter, while snorting a line of cocaine.

“I then screamed Happy Halloween to her and stared viciously into her eye sockets for 30 seconds waiting for a reply. I was shocked and offended when she started crying. She quietly whispered that she doesn’t celebrate Halloween and  walked away, leaving a line of customers waiting. I mean, is she serious? Just because she doesn’t celebrate Halloween, doesn’t mean she can just ignore the holiday and not say Happy Halloween to me.”

Blackwood and Slaughter are worried that the country is slipping further and further away from Satan.

“When someone doesn’t say ‘Happy Halloween’ to me, it just reminds me that there are people out there who don’t believe in the devil, and that really upsets me,” Blackwood said sniffling. “In fact it upsets me so much, I want to break out my ouijia board in the middle of the store and summon dead souls from hell so I can show people what they’re missing.”

According to the couple, Halloween has already become a gross characterization of the evil they worship. The couple says they’d like for young girls to embrace the occult.

“I don’t want my daughters to feel drawn in by the Cinderella and Fairy princess costumes that tarnish the very foundation of Halloween. I want my daughters to dress as demon nuns and Bloody Mary,” Blackwood said. “I can’t stand these Halloween stores that are teaching our daughters to be ‘sexy’ when really all they need is to be evil.”

The blood on the couple’s signs began to drip so they decided it was time to call it a day. They said they will be out on the streets of Los Angeles every day between now and Halloween, making sure everyone is aware of the sacredness of their holiday. They claimed they can’t think of a better use of their time than making sure everyone, regardless of religious views or preferences, wishes them a “Happy Halloween” this year.

“Either the war on Halloween will end, or I will burn this country to the ground,” said Blackwood before snapping her fingers and disintegrating into thin air.

Female Lovebug Tired of Mate Not Pulling His Own Weight

Lucy Lovebug clung on for dear life to the windshield of the minivan. Larry Lovebug flailed in the wind, doing “the wave” with his arms. Lucy sighed and bore down harder into the windshield. She knew if she let go her and Larry would go spiraling to their deaths. She had been stuck to this guy for too long to give up now.

They were catching a ride to their therapist’s office so they could discuss their relationship problems. Upon arrival, the therapist locust gestured them to a tiny leaf shaped like a couch and asked them to please sit. Lucy yanked Larry forward to the leaf.

“So, I understand you’re here because you’re two lovebugs who haven’t figured out how to love,” the therapist said, sitting back on his hind legs.

“It’s only because Larry doesn’t pull his own weight in the relationship,” Lucy explained. “I am always the one holding on when we take rides on cars, or pulling us out of the way before we get stepped on. Larry expects me to handle everything and he just hangs there.”

“I see. Larry, would you like to respond to that?” The locust asked. Larry remained hunched over on the leaf, silent.

“You see! He never talks to me anymore. Ever since he got me pregnant he’s just totally checked out of the relationship,” Lucy complained. She reached around and nudged Larry on his shoulder.

“I hear you, Lucy. Before we continue, I’d like to confirm that you’ve paid the fee of 300,000 seeds to my receptionist?” the locust asked.

“Yes, yes I’ve paid it. Anyways, I can’t get him to say anything anymore. It was the first time we mated too, you know that? The first time we mated the bastard got me pregnant and now he’s quiet all the time,” said Lucy. The locust frowned at the couple and pretended to scribble something in his notepad.

“All those other lovebugs just seem so in love and we’re miserable,” Lucy says. “After flying us around all day, all I want is a foot rub and Larry won’t even do that! I’m about to have 200 of his babies, and if he thinks I’m gonna name a single one ‘Larry’, he’s got another thing coming for him,” Lucy told the therapist.

“Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband is dead,” the locust said pointedly.

“Yeah, that’s what I’ve been sayin’, he’s a dead beat!” Lucy said back.

“No, I mean he’s clinically dead. I’m sorry our public school health system failed you so badly. You know, after lovebugs mate, the male dies instantly.”

“WHAT?? No one ever told me this! Larry? Are you dead Larry? Larry!!” Lucy shook all around, trying to get a response from Larry. She flew them both in the air and thrashed violently, trying to get Larry to wake up.

Just then, Larry detached and floated limply to the ground, a corpse. Lucy had startled herself into giving birth to the 200 lovebug eggs. She looked at the babies fondly and then immediately died herself.

The therapist stared indifferently at the eggs. He knew in just a days time, these babies will have grown up, formed their own couples, and will be back in his office for their own therapy. Lovebugs are his best clients. They’re so clingy and insecure, couples flock to his office in droves wondering why the men have “checked out” of the relationship.

“Trisha,we had another lovebug session! Get these out of my office please, I’m going to lunch,” the grasshopper called to his receptionist. He stepped over the piles of eggs, and left to count his earnings. Lovebug season is by far the most lucrative time for insect therapists.

Who Said it: Louis C.K. or the Terminator?

The following 14 quotes are things actually said by either Louis C.K. or The Terminator. Your job is to identify who said what. Answer key is at the bottom of the quiz.

1) “I will now step back and take a long time to listen.”

2) ‘I’ll be back”

3) “I don’t know how much longer I can hold this”

4) “I’ve learned from experience that if you work harder at it, and apply more energy and time to it, and more consistency, you get a better result.”

5) “I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle”

6) “Life’s too short to be an asshole, as an employer or as an employee.”

7) “Why do you cry?”

8) “Hasta La Vista, baby”

9) “I’ve been having a lot of trouble sleeping as we all should. I dunno. You don’t live that long. It doesn’t matter.”

10) “Come with me if you want to live”

11) “What’s wrong with your eyes?”

12) “I like pressure. Pressure doesn’t make me crack. It’s enabling. I eat pressure.”

13) “We have to get out of the city immediately and avoid the authorities.”

14) “Desire is irrelevant. I am a machine.”

Bonus, who was this quote said about, Louis C.K. or The Terminator?

“It can’t be bargained with. It can’t be reasoned with. It doesn’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead.”

Answer Key

Louis C.K.: 1,4,6,9,12

The Terminator: 2,3,5,7,8,10,11,13,14

Bonus: The Terminator

Florida Woman Catches Hypothermia Upon Swimming in 86 Degree Pool

On a steamy Florida afternoon in August, Beatrice Bellweather arrived home from her tennis lesson dripping in sweat. She walked out to the pool to check the temperature. Upon pulling the thermometer out of the pool, she was disappointed to see the water was a mere 86 degrees.

Beatrice and her family have a strict rule never to swim in water colder than 90 degrees. They’ve heard stories of Floridians dying upon contact with cold water. The Tampa sun beats down on Beatrice relentlessly. She looks longingly at the smooth, inviting ripples of the pool’s surface. She hears thunder in the distance. A storm is coming; she knows it’s now or never to take the plunge.

Beatrice, cringing, dips her big toe in the pool to test the water. Nothing happens. She’s pleased that she still has all ten toes. “I’m going in the pool!!!”, Beatrice shouts to her husband, who grunts in response from his throne in front of the TV.

Too hot to even change out of her tennis clothes, Beatrice decides to cannonball into the pool. She thinks shocking her body with the frigid 86 degree water is the best way to quickly adjust. She backs up against the screen of the pool, runs three steps and then cannonballs in.

Her body immediately goes into shock as her boiling Floridian blood comes into contact with the water. Hypothermia starts to set in and Beatrice starts to lose the ability to breathe. Her movements become erratic as she frantically swims in a circle over and over again. She realizes there’s no way she can make it out of the arctic water on her own and calls for her husband.

Beatrice’s husband comes racing out to the pool. He grabs the giant unicorn floaty from the side of the pool and glides over to Beatrice, careful not to touch the water. The unicorn floaty seems to be losing air quickly. Between its trip from the edge of the pool to where Beatrice splashes in pain, the floaty seemed to lose half it’s mass. The husband gasps as he realizes there are tiny holes in the bottom of the floaty.

“Hurry and get on Beatrice, come on!” Her husband shouts at her. Beatrice grabs the horn of the unicorn and tries to pull herself up, but the horn deflates in her hand. She flops around like a seal, desperately trying to land her shivering body on the float.

Water is filling the unicorn float at a swift pace. The couple locked eyes with each other. Realization that the unicorn float wasn’t big enough for two dawned on them.

“I’m so cold, Beatrice,” Her husband, who wasn’t nearly as submerged as Beatrice, told her. Beatrice looked at her full grown husband, clinging for dear life onto a unicorn float, and was suddenly overcome with affection.

She loosened her grip on the raft, succumbing fully to the freezing lagoon beneath.

“You must do me this honor…promise me you will survive…that you will never give up…no matter what happens…no matter how hopeless…promise me now, and never let go of that promise.” Beatrice says to her husband while holding his hand.

“I promise,” Beatrice’s husband replied.

“Never let go,” Beatrice whispered.

“I promise, I will never let go, Beatrice. I’ll never let go,” said Beatrice’s husband as he instantly let go of her hand. Beatrice sunk to the bottom of the pool.

With the weight of Beatrice off the raft, her husband was able to prop himself up enough to be mostly out of the water. Unfortunately, he has lost all his strength. Even the six foot doggie paddle to get to the edge of the pool would be too much for him. He started screaming for help from his neighbors.

When authorities arrived at the Bellweather home 20 minutes later, they found Beatrice lying motionless at the bottom of the pool. Mr. Bellweather was found sobbing silently on his deflating unicorn float. When he saw the officers arrive he repeated over and over again, “there was no room for two.”