List: How Notre Dame burning affects me, a wealthy American who visited Paris once

Bonjour! I went on a three week European excursion in 2010 and I am now DEVASTATED by the news of Notre Dame burning. Here are all the reasons I haven’t left my mansion out of grief since seeing the fire:  

1.My childhood crush was on Quasimodo. I mean Hunchback of Notre DAMN, am I right?

2. My DNA results say I’m 13.2% French. Those are MY people!

3. I have 93 Eiffel Tower figurines in one room of my home.

4. My high school French teacher described my accent as, “décent” (FYI: that means decent )

5. The Paris pavilion is my favorite stop at Epcot.

6. Notre Dame is in the background of three of my top performing Instagram posts.

7. I  never tip waiters because in France you don’t have to!

8. My Patronus is a Gargoyle.

9. A pigeon shat on my Nutella crêpe in front of Notre Dame but I still ate it.

10. I have 10 toasty baguettes where my fingers should be.